one step at a time....

Who's ready for pictures?

2012-02-05T11:48:00.000-08:00

First.... a warning. These are somewhat graphic..... but not inappropriate. It's a photographic chronology of Brandon's leg surgeries. I'm sharing because so many wonder why Brandon has pain still.... why he limps.... and it's not always appropriate to hike up the leg of his pants in public to show.

Are you reeaaaady?

Scroll down.... we're leaving some space for those who are ready to escape before the pictures pop up.....

This first one here is Brandon in the ER at Wilford Hall in October of 2006. It was the first look we got at his leg. He wouldn't let us take any pictures after this because once they removed the stitches, the wound opened in a scary way and you could see his tendons and everything. It was pretty freaky there for a while.

Summer 2007 - This next one is a picture I took about 9 months post injury. You see the scar? It almost wraps all the way around his leg. How the doctors didn't have to amputate I am totally lost. Amazing docs.

November 2007 - Next up is after Brandon's tendon transfer. The injury in his thigh and knee caused him to have drop foot.... and a doc down at BAMC in San Antonio transferred a tendon that was no longer able to function because of nerve damage, and moved it around to the front of his foot and it gives him some limited motion in pulling his foot up. It's not 100%... and it drops still when he's really tired, but it functions well enough!

November 2008 - Our old ortho doc PCS'd.... and we got a new one... that was fairly certain Brandon's ACL was causing the constant giving out of his knee. Once he got in there and had Brandon unconscious, he was able to discover that the ACL was undamaged - but there was extensive scar tissue in his knee and the cartilage was seriously compromised. He ended up just cleaning out as much scar tissue as he could... and stitching Brandon back up. Brandon was pretty ticked he woke up with really nothing changed - but I am thankful the doc didn't just go ahead and remove something that wasn't damaged! I never got a before/after pic of this one. But here's an awesome picture of him and Cameron playing guitar hero while he was healing! :)

October 2011 - Brandon put it off as long as possible.... but finally needed a knee replacement. It got to the point where his knee was giving out sometimes several times a day, and was swollen all the time. His pain level was constantly excruciating. This is before surgery. (See that "dent" in his thigh? That's where the hole was in his leg that showed all of the tendons back in 2006.)

After surgery - His doctor told us the soft tissue in his knee joint looked a lot like swiss cheese. This was a total knee replacement. 24 hours post surgery.

January 2012 - Unfortunately, the joint scarred down more quickly than the doctor predicted it would. He was only able to have someone forcibly bend it to 70 degrees and hit a wall. His range of motion gradually declined from there. This surgery consisted of a removal and reshaping of the patella, removal of scar tissue around the new joint, re-setting the patella, scar thinning in his quad where the biggest impact to his leg was originally, and several incisions in the quad muscle itself to help it stretch out in therapy. The bruising is pretty bad in this one. This is actually 4 days post op... right before we left the hospital.

He's already up and trying to walk around the house with just his cane. Overachiever. :P He spends several hours a day in a CPM machine.... which is the contraption he's wearing in this picture snuggling with our puppy, Koda.

Brandon had his eval with physical therapy yesterday, and he's already able to bent it from 0 to 70 completely on his own with no hand assisting or therapist assist. Talk about an awesome starting point! I am hopeful that this surgery will relieve most of Brandon's pain... and that this will give him the quality of life boost that he's been waiting for.

We can't wait to ride bikes with our kids as a family again.

My apologies, ladies and gentlemen!

2012-02-02T19:45:00.000-08:00

It has been over TWO. FULL. MONTHS. since my last blog entry.

Life got overwhelming. I would go so far as to say I went into a full blown depression after Brandon's knee replacement. I didn't hang out with my friends.... I didn't invite people over.... I didn't do my makeup or my hair.... it was rough.

It took me a while to come out of it. I threw myself into baking.... I had lots of brides come for consultations.... I started working out regularly at the gym.... and through all of that.... I found my joy again.

I never realized that I haven't felt like "myself" since Brandon was injured. I would have told everyone around me that I was happy... but something always felt off. I could never put my finger on it. I couldn't think of anything that I would change. Maybe just living somewhere permanently and putting down roots. But really... I'm still up for traveling the country with my husband and kids following his career. I'm totally okay with that.

It took me 5 years and 3 months to feel whole again. There was no overwhelming a-ha moment. It wasn't a single choice that I made. It was finally being able to silence all of the advice and the input and the inner chatter that comes at me constantly... and do what I want to do because it makes me happy.

I love the gym. I love classes. That totally goes against the whole paleo/kettlebell/all natural/we don't need corporate gyms mentality. I am not a work out at home kind of person. I wish that I was, because it would save me $30 a month... but it's okay. For the small price of $30 a month, I get little bits of happiness and fulfillment out of every little class I complete. And I have fun. Even when the pilates guru is kicking my butt. It's fun to me. Zumba is the BOMB. And I even love kickboxing cardio. And bootcamp! I love to try new things.... and being able to just show up and have someone else have the plan already set out for me is exactly what I need right now.

I love to bake. Which also goes against the whole paleo/all natural mentality that I've been pushing myself towards. I try to buy as little processed foods as possible... and this is the healthiest I've been in a long time. But it's okay to make cakes. The decorating is really the part that I love. It's okay to have a cookie. I LOVE decorating cookies. I made four dozen monogrammed cookies for a wedding in January. AND my first wedding cake. AND my first groom's cake. And you know what? It was the most proud moment I've had in the last 5 years that had nothing to do with my kids or my husband. It was all about me. I made that... with my own two hands... and my own recipes.... and it looked freakin' awesome. I've made sugar cookies and shortbread cookies and macarons.... and every time I master something new.... I make everyone eat them. (I'm incredibly partial to macarons... because literally it's just sugar, egg whites, and almonds... totally easy on my tummy!)

I also LOVE paleo. I feel more awesome eating high fat/high protein than I have in years of eating high carb/low fat diets. I've lost weight. However, I refuse to get on the scale. If my jeans are baggy, that's all the information I need. I have read books, found websites and resources, gone through cook books, and I'm guiding my family towards a healthier way of eating, one new recipe at a time. Every other month or so I'll have little sushi rolls.... Rice is just about the only "grain" that I can digest comfortably. I am pleased (as are my customers) with my cake recipes, and I only taste them now if I've made a gluten free version. I don't have celiac disease or anything - but I did test allergic to wheat and other cereal grains - so I choose to avoid them so that I can be comfortable and reduce inflammation in my body. In turn.... I feel like Wonder Woman. It's fantastic. Every now and then I'll have something non gluten free ( like tonight.... I had a brownie.... before dinner.... because I just NEEDED it... haha ) but usually I feel pretty crummy afterwards so I just try to avoid it 100%. I love the way that I feel when I eat clean.

It took me over five years to learn how to care for myself before my husband. How ridiculous is that? It took me having to become a full time caregiver all over again after Brandon's knee replacement to realize that I never really REALLY let go of it completely. It was difficult for me. I had to face some big things, and I really didn't want to even talk to anyone about it. But I'm okay with it now.

The last 3 months have been difficult, but there are so many others around us that are suffering much greater than we are... and we try to remember that when we feel like we can't take another day of this.

Brandon had to go back into surgery 4 days ago... his knee replacement scarred down so quickly... the doc had to go back in, remove scar tissue, shave down his knee cap to make it fit more tightly... and for the first time, a doctor was brave enough to attack the scar tissue in Brandon's quad. He cleared out some of the scar tissue, and made small incisions all over the muscle to help it stretch out more in therapy. The tightness that settled into his thigh over the last 5 years greatly influenced the healing of his knee replacement.We're hopeful that the aggressive attack on scar tissue and the aggressive physical therapy that will start in a few days will prevent scarring from taking over again.

Today, we returned home. I handled the whole hospital stay completely differently than I normally do. I accepted help from friends. I let his mom stay up at the hospital with him at nights and I would return home with my kids. When he started to get angry, I told him he was wrong (obviously I used more words than that) and left the room until he could calm down. I didn't own any issue that didn't belong to me. I didn't try to be super wife and stay by his side at every moment. Sometimes super wife needs to be super mom... and my kids deserve just as much importance and attention as he does. The surgeries are just as emotionally hard for them as they are on Brandon and I. And I need rest. What kind of wife and mom am I if I'm exhausted? These things all SEEM incredibly simple. They're really difficult for moms to actually practice and not just talk about how awesome it would be if they could put themselves first. Because I had reached such a peaceful place with myself, it was much easier for me to make those decisions without a second thought.

We had some bumps.... but this is the most calm I have felt on the day we've returned home from surgery. Ever. And tomorrow I think I might even go to Zumba. Yep. You heard me. I'm going to leave my hobbling husband at home for an hour and go work out. Typically I would clear my schedule for an entire month after surgery and just be here to answer every beck and call. If I have any expectation of being a supportive and effective caregiver for the rest of the day.... that hour is what I need to fill my tank.... and I'm taking it..... no matter what any well meaning advice giving person around me says about it.

How do you like that? :)

The anti - "bucket list"

2011-11-26T19:34:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, a friend suggested the book One Thousand Gifts. I finally started reading it today... and quickly read through the first three chapters. If you've never heard of the book... I've linked it up above... check it out!

The first three chapters explain the beginning of her journey... how she came to be so negatively focused by a painful and tragic loss at a young age.... and how a simple dare from a friend started such a life-changing process.

After I was done reading, I went to get ready for the day... and in the quiet, all alone.... I was overwhelmed with how negative my thoughts have been. From... "I hate doing laundry..." to, "I would be happy if I just lost 30 lbs..." to, "I can never get ahead of this housework..." ... I think ALL of us could go on and on if we REALLY got honest about the conversations we have with ourselves inside of our head.

If you've been a long-time reader, you know that I had been working my way through this inspirational picture I'd found online... 102 Things. I stopped months ago... not for any particular reason... it just wasn't fulfilling to me. But how many "lists" do we have? Lists of things we have to accomplish today to make us feel good... lists of things we'd like to change about ourselves.... lists of things we want to upgrade around the house.... lists of things we'd like to get or give for Christmas.... lists of things we'd like to do before we die.....lists, lists, lists, lists! All things that either aren't happening now... some of which might never happen. But we are all constantly reaching for more.... we never seem to have enough. We're so focused on everything that we want to accomplish and cross off our list...... that we miss the present gift from God that's sitting right in front of us.... waiting for us to put down our list and enjoy what He's already given.

So many situations where I have the opportunity to change my perspective went through my head.... but laundry sticks out for me.... and I'd like to share why!

Laundry is my least favorite household chore. But you know what? God has given us the resources to have so many clothes to wear that we can wear something different every day of the week. God has given me a husband and two beautiful children... and without them I wouldn't have 10 loads of laundry a week. My kids change clothes multiple times a day because they are able to go outside and have fun and get dirty. Not all kids in the world have the luxury of play time or even a safe place to play. We have tons dish rags and dish towels dirty.... from all of the baking and cooking and cleaning I get to do because God has provided us with a full pantry and a full fridge in order to come up with countless meals for our family. I have a washing machine and a dryer for crying out loud. I don't have to scrub my clothes by hand and hang them out to dry (though sometimes I daydream about having a line out in the backyard.... I'm one of "those" wives.... I'm crazy, I know) We have indoor plumbing and electricity in order to be able to wash and dry our things as we please!

Laundry is a gift.... and it's high time I start looking at it through God's eyes instead of my own. (Along with a a few other things!)

God never ceases to amaze me. My daily reading for today, November 26, from Jesus Calling is below:

This is the day that I have made! As you rejoice in this day of life, it will yield up to you precious gifts and beneficial training. Walk with Me along the high road of thanksgiving, and you will find all the delights I have made ready for you.
To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely. A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts. Neglecting the practice of giving thanks has darkened their minds. How precious are My children who remember to thank Me at all times. They can walk through the darkest days with Joy in their hearts because they know that the Light of My Presence is still shining on them. Rejoice in this day that I have made, for I am your steadfast Companion.

This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24
I will offer to Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving, and will call upon the name of the LORD.
Psalm 116:17

So I'm starting a different list. No longer will I focus on a list of things that I think will make me feel accomplished and successful.... I am choosing to pay attention and make known the gifts that God gives to me on a daily basis.

Ever thankful....

2011-11-19T21:29:00.000-08:00

We've had a rough couple of days over here at the Byers house. Little Pman has strep... and it has really hit him hard. He's had a really difficult time keeping food down... and has had several hour stretches where he would do nothing but dry heave. I would have these moments where I would think "There is nothing worse than watching your little 3 year old dry heave over and over and over...."

But then I realized......... yes there is something worse. Many things worse. While it's incredibly heart breaking to watch your baby be sick and know you can't do anything about it.... we have had several families close to us that have had to watch their babies endure much worse.

The most recent, our friends from church, the Hale family. Their son is just a few months younger than Preston... they're in the same little Sunday School class and everything. Today my friend, Jane, posted a blog entry about being thankful.... even in the midst of learning that their son's heart surgery a few months ago has set back his fine motor skills far more than they originally realized.

I have to admit, her constant praise for everything God has blessed them with is just inspirational to me. I feel like lately, I've not verbalized ( or written ) about how incredibly thankful we are for everything in our lives. In the mindset of being "real", I simply decided to share the real and raw emotions I was feeling right at that moment. But even in the midst of a scary diagnosis, you can still choose to be THANKFUL!

Unless we talk about it, people don't understand that you can be terrified and thankful in the same moment. So many emotions can be at work in our lives.... but unless we share our hearts authentically, people might think their hearts are in the wrong place because they're experiencing negative emotions. It's totally natural. There's nothing wrong with you. I promise :)

What we're facing right now...... is the possibility of Brandon having to be sedated in order to have his leg manually manipulated by the surgeon. Essentially he will "crack" his knee replacement and make the scar tissue let go. His knee isn't "letting go" like it should. The infection has completely cleared up.... but because his knee isn't bending right for him, he still has moments of tripping over his drop foot because his knee isn't pulling up properly. The drop foot is definitely complicating this recovery. Running up and down and up and down the stairs the last few days with a toddler not able to keep food down and being totally miserable has been both painful and frustrating for Brandon. He can't move as fast as he wants to... and when he pushes it, he gets hurt.

HOWEVER, Brandon's surgeon is the best leg trauma surgeon in DFW... we see his surgeon this week on Tuesday morning.... and if we have to go through the inconvenience of having his knee cracked.... and it will start his physical therapy over essentially from scratch... he will be starting over with more range of motion than he has right now. And if they can do it this week... Brandon has Thursday and Friday off of school... and most of his classes have had tests just in the last 2 weeks so the likelihood of any tests interfering with this part of his recovery would be slim. Which is awesome.

Originally we had planned to make an awesome weekend trip out to Barksdale AFB near Shreveport, LA.....but we decided that we needed this weekend off to just rest. Then Preston got sick. And isn't getting better in the time frame that his doc specified. Which is forcing us to take the ENTIRE weekend off to rest. Which quite frankly is what we needed in the first place. And I had so much time that today I got to stock the fridge with paleo-friendly meals for me this week. Which I haven't had time to do in WEEKS! That's not to say I'm thankful that Preston got sick.... because that's just insane. But there aren't many reasons that we'll cancel our whole weekend..... and maybe that's just a big sign that we need to learn how to say no, thank you.... we're going to REST this weekend!

But do you know what I keep thinking about? Through all of this seemingly unfortunate stuff..... God keeps meeting every single one of our needs. I might be a little lonely upstairs by myself since Brandon's physical therapist told him he needed to sleep on the couch or in the recliner so he could get more rest....... but I'm getting some fairly solid sleep. And frankly, I've been running on fumes for over a month now, so the sleep is WELCOME and appreciated. Cameron might be pushing her limits lately, but it's opening up conversations that wouldn't have otherwise happened had she not "pushed that button." Preston might be trying to be in charge most days of the week... but God brought me the support that I needed in the form of a fabulous friend in Dr. Kathy Koch... who just so happened to be hosting a free webinar on Strong-Willed Children this past Monday. I have always felt as if I needed to earn my rest each and every day of the week for whatever reason... but this week He taught me that it's okay to just rest because I need to... and for no other reason.

I could go on and on and on. Maybe that's what God wants. Maybe we should be gushing to the world how AMAZING and AWESOME He is.... all the time! I'm taking a page out of my friend, Jane's, life manual today.... and I'm choosing to gush about how God has blessed us through this surgery and recovery.

Cutting to the quick.

2011-11-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

It's officially been one month since Brandon's knee replacement. Things are going fairly well. He's got about a 55 degree bend in it so far... which is a 10 degree improvement from last week... so we're hoping that things will continue to progress well. He has been battling a bit of infection in the incision for a few weeks, but it looks to have cleared up almost completely now. Thank you ALL for continuing to keep Brandon and his recovery in your prayers!

I just had to stop and share my heart for a minute, because I had the most amazing experience today.

I picked Preston up from school... and we took care of Brandon's truck inspection and oil change... and had a nice little cupcake date.... and made a few shopping stops on our way home. I decided to stop by Mardel and look for a particular book I've had on my mind... and I got wrapped up in perusing the entire book section up there! I think I came home with almost 10 books!

Anyway, a very nice gentleman that works up at Mardel (and just so happens to be from New Orleans... loved the accent) was making a few suggestions for me after ooh-ing and ahh-ing over how cute Preston and his little blonde curls were. I grabbed a few of the books he suggested... the last one being a story of picking up the pieces, love, loss and reunion. The way he was describing it to me really stood out for me... and I shared that my husband was injured in Iraq a few years ago... and we were dealing with some heavy issues at the moment and I needed a comforting story like that. He immediately directed me over to a Daily Devotional called Jesus Calling... and he asked me to flip to my birth date and let him know if the message on that day seemed to be written just for me.

Here is what my page reads:

February 7

Come to me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.
Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time. Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting Me guide you through the many choices along the pathway.
This sounds like an easy assignment, but it is not. Your desire to live in My Presence goes against the grain of "the world, the flesh, and the devil." Much of your weariness results from your constant battle against these opponents. However, you are on the path of My choosing, so do not give up! Hope in Me, for you will again praise Me for the help of My Presence.

Romans 8:28 (KJV)
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Psalm 42:11 (NIV)
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Let me just say... fighting back tears while reading that was challenging. Needless to say I got the book. And then cried in the truck on the way home. Luckily Preston had his little DSi game thing.

Overwhelmed is a good word for what I feel. Probably not how you think, though. Overwhelmed with how intimately He knows my heart... and how He uses people and uses what seems to be a simple, generic looking daily devotional to cut right to the quick.... and bring me to tears.

So many things about that entry are just for me.

Romans 8:28... the passage that gets me through the ugliness that we sometimes have to deal with through this aftermath of war. I love it so much I had it tattooed on my wrist. (That's a long story for another day!)
"One step, one moment at a time." Hello. Are you on my blog? Did you see the title up there at the top?
"...including the things you wish were different." Wow. This was towards the beginning and I think what really pushes me over the edge. I keep re-reading it. I'm not a big wisher... but lately I've been saying it a lot in my head, never out loud. Obviously no one else knew... except Him. I've been wishing that my kids weren't so affected emotionally by all of this, especially Cameron... wishing I could stretch myself far enough to be what everyone needs me to be... wishing I could see my husband for one day not in pain... wishing that I had less anger... wishing that I had more hours in the day. "Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern (y'all know I love me some schedule and pattern...) for good, including the things you wish were different."

The very nice gentleman at Mardel (of course I didn't grab his name) told me after I closed the book that he brings people to that devotional all the time and asks them to do the same thing he asked of me.... and he's seen grown men brought to tears right there in the store, their hearts were so convicted. It made me wish I hadn't fought back my tears so hard. I'm way too good at holding back my tears. I thanked him.... and purchased my insane haul of new books.... and dropped by Brandon's physical therapy appointment to lift his spirits for a bit.

Jesus Calling...... what an appropriate name. He definitely had my number today.

Click HERE to order the book online for those that are interested!

Running on empty...........

2011-11-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

My mom stayed here with the kiddos this weekend while Brandon and I were out of town, and she keeps telling me that my life is chaotic.... and she's not sure how I do it.

My answer? I have ABSOLUTELY no idea. None.

This is an actual account of my day today.

Wake up... get dressed... get kids ready for school.... drop off Cameron at school... drop off Preston at school... come home... clean the crazy mess in the kitchen from last night's festivities.... get some laundry started.... get cleaned up and showered and makeup.... bring Brandon to class.... go to Target for Cameron's class basket goodies.... pick Preston up from school.... pick Brandon up from school.... come home and have lunch.... change loads of laundry out... realize I haven't had any coffee today because my head is pounding... so brew some coffee.... get Preston and Brandon loaded up in the truck... bring Brandon to physical therapy.... entertain Preston while Brandon's at physical therapy... run home and get snacks for Preston and Brandon's medication.... write a quick rent check and stick it in the mail.... bring Brandon to class... go pick up Cameron from school... come home.... fold laundry... clean kids rooms.... tidy house... pick up Brandon from school.... fold more laundry (there was a lot.... seriously) ..... make dinner.... clean up kitchen.... bathe kiddos.... tuck kids in bed.... put my laundry away..... clean up master closet....

And now. Here we are. Relaxing in bed. Funny enough, I didn't get all of my to-do list done today.

I'm so exhausted I can't even think of a witty remark.

The only way I can get through insanity like the list above and be able to get up and do it again tomorrow is only by the grace of God.

Tomorrow I decided everyone is skipping school. That should free up some hours in my day..... :)

Whoops.

2011-10-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

Okay... obviously, I lied.

I took another long break agaaain! Oops :)

Things haven't slowed down yet. I don't know why I keep thinking... "After this is finished.... things will slow down and I can get caught up on everything." Honestly, I should just forget about that. My life will never slow down. Let's just accept it and prioritize things more efficiently!

Before I get into the surface updates.... a few big things are on the to-discuss list....

Brandon is having a knee replacement in 6 days. Yes. SIX days. We're a ball of nerves around here. He will be in the hospital from October 14-17 approximately. Which means he will be in the hospital on his 5th Alive Day, October 16. Lots of emotions come up with that one. I'll let y'all know how it goes, though, for sure.

I have been scheduled for a craft show since early summer.... And Brandon insisted that I not back out since it's the only one I signed up for this year. So the day after his surgery I'll be selling my ornaments in public for the last time. I have a lot of anxiety with just leaving Brandon in the hospital for a whole day literally the day before his Alive Day. So that's there, too.

My cakes business has REALLY taken off. I was so incredibly surprised. I've gotten a lot of new tools.... I'm watching lots of YouTube tutorials..... and eventually I do plan on taking some sort of formal class.... but I've got cake orders for every single weekend all the way until November! How awesome is that!

Ahh. Honestly that's all I've got in me tonight. I don't feel like I even want to go any deeper than that. Go figure. Maybe later this week. <3

Too many balls in the air....

2011-09-18T20:09:00.000-07:00

I blog so infrequently lately... every single time I finally get around to posting, my thoughts are so deep and introspective and serious!

I think this might be the last year that I make ornaments. I know, right... I've been doing this forever... haha. I really do love playing with fabric.... but it makes me more stressed out lately than fulfilled. Everything that I have takes up soo much room... and I feel like I'm just juggling too many balls. And Christmas season is just starting! Crazy. So... if you like my ornaments.... you should check out my etsy shop and get them while the gettin's good. Once they're gone, they're gone. I'll take a select few custom orders.... but only through Thanksgiving. Once December hits, it'll just be what's in stock.

I'm only going to make the ornaments that I've prepped fabric for.... go to the show's I've signed up for.... and sell everything at the end of the season... including some organizational goodies. This is our last Christmas in this house... and it might be our last Christmas in Texas.... and I will not be stressing out, friends. I've really been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm feeling pretty strongly about it.

Anyway, that gets a little bit off my mind for now.

I'll write a little bit more tomorrow, perhaps.... and get a few more tidbits off my mind :)

Lone Star Showcase

2011-09-09T18:27:00.001-07:00

Check out the Lone Star Showcase! It showcases items handmade in Texas..... and what could be better than that?

No blogs in August at all? Oh my.

2011-09-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry faithful readers.... I just slacked off from everything this summer! It was definitely crazy busy... and I just had to let some things go..... like blogging :) Get ready for the longest blog ever.... just to make up for it!

So it's the first week of September.... and here's a quick run down of the last month... what's coming up... and what's currently driving me nuts.

Shortly after my last blog in July... I had a fun little run-in with hives. All over. Totally unexplained. So I saw an allergy specialist... and he told me I was allergic to a multitude of things; soy, cow's milk, peanuts, shrimp, all melons (I knew that one), dogs (we have 2) and a severe allergic reaction to dust mites.

He told me not to change my diet at first... but I just have had to. When I eat dairy, I itch and become nauseated within a few minutes. Peanuts... same thing. I helped my grandmother peel shrimp and my hands swelled up and itched like crazy. We put the dogs beds out in the hallway, which they were none too pleased with, and cleared everything out from under our bed where they have been sleeping for the past year and washed everything and vacuumed under there REALLY well. No more doggies in our room. They're still mad at us a month later. Not even kidding.

So I went back in about a week ago for a one month check in... and we decided to go ahead with a total food allergy test and with some blood work. That's tomorrow morning. So hopefully that will help me clear up some of my discomfort.

The kids and I took a little road trip to see family down in south Louisiana.... and we stopped in Houston for a bit to see my cousin and her kiddos for a little while.... and then we stayed with friends in San Antonio just for 2 nights and went to Sea World with the big kids. It was a blast. But after 8 days, I've decided that Mommy cannot handle a solo trip with two children for 8 days. I was exhausted!

Two days after we got home, Brandon left to go see his great grandmother in Louisiana. She's recently had to move in with her daughter due to some mental health happenings... and Brandon and his mom went to go help out and give her a break for a bit.

On the last full day they were in town, Brandon was tailed from his hotel to his great aunt's house... and was greeted at his door with guns in his face... and told to put his hands in the air, walk backwards, and slapped in handcuffs. Needless to say he was startled. They realized they obviously had bad information... and after a few minutes released Brandon from the handcuffs and said sorry and shook his hand... but the damage had already been done.

His 8 month old tendon transfer was bruised. It hurt him for almost 2 weeks afterwards. To top it off, it has set off a massive PTSD episode. Paranoia, constant fear, quick to anger, inability to sleep.... the whole nine yards. He's being honest about it.... as open as he can be.... and I am able to let him know when he's perhaps a little too sensitive about a situation without upsetting the whole house. So even though we might be a few dozen steps backwards right now... that right there is progress. The whole key to living with PTSD in a family is to have open and honest communication.

Example - Saturday afternoon, I was at a bridal shower for a good friend of mine. Brandon had gone with some of his extended family to the movies with the kiddos. They were on their way home... and there is a small bridge on a little two lane road nearby our house. That afternoon, for whatever reason... there was a black trash bag sitting on the side of the road right before the bridge. I saw it later that evening, it was probably about a beach ball sized bag. When Brandon came upon it in his truck, he slammed on the brakes (freaked the kids out), and wouldn't pass it until the oncoming traffic had passed him... and he could pull into the other lane and go as far away from it as possible.

He hasn't done that in YEARS. As soon as he got home, he told Cameron to take Preston inside and to turn a movie on and he would be inside in a minute. He immediately called me... told me what happened... and just needed to hear my voice to kinda get grounded again. After we hung up, he went inside and talked to Cameron about what happened. I am SO PROUD of him for doing this. Men always want to be their kids' heroes... and for him to be able to talk to her and admit his fear and what's going on with him in words that she can understand... it helps her so much to not be afraid of the whole situation. Again.... huge progress.

Changing gears.... the kids have started school! Cameron is in 5th grade now... and little Preston is in Pre-K at another school. They both have fabulous teachers this year.... they both love school so much... and we're hoping that it will stay that way!

While the kids are both in school, I decided to go join a local gym. One of the things that came up in our marriage counseling earlier this year was that I haven't felt happy inside since Brandon's injury. One of the things I used to do for myself while Cameron was in school was go to the gym... seriously just about every single day. So this is a small little step ... working on my inside self by working on my outside self.

Also in the last month... I was privileged to be sponsored to attend the Women of Faith conference here in Dallas! It was aaahhhhhmazing. Probably one of the best weekends I've had ever. Being around that much worship and praise and fabulous speakers.... it definitely refilled my spiritual cup. I also made some awesome new friends! Yay for new friends. :) It was just fantastic. I can't even describe it. You just have to go to one. There are just no words! Sandie Patty was probably one of my favorites.... "You are enough..." But Patsy Clairmont.... oh my goodness! I want to be just like that when I'm older. Cutest little sparkly thing ever... and full of so much life and love for God and others. Just awesome.

Tiny Kitchen Cakery has officially taken off..... I sold two cakes this month... which is awesome because it just was from friends who like the pictures they've seen online.... so I decided to take it up a notch! I made a facebook fan page.... and I'm starting to plan for a cake tasting in mid-October to hopefully get a few more bookings. I also have been experimenting with cakes in a jar.... and shipped a few across country to family to see how they would hold up even in the heat... and it was perfect! So that's another little avenue to go down as well. I LOVE baking. I love decorating cakes. It combines my two favorite things.... sweets AND art! So stay tuned for more details on that!

Back to Brandon for the last little bit of update. Tomorrow, Brandon is going to see his leg specialist out in Dallas. We're going to be talking to him about a knee replacement. His pain is getting worse... his knee is giving out more and more... and he had to increase his pain medication due to the increased pain and the prolonged use. So please keep Brandon in your prayers tomorrow... it's a big scary step for him and for us.

Love y'all... and I promise never to take such a big break again so it doesn't take me hours to write a single blog entry again! :)

Sweet little Cameron

2011-09-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

So we've had a few questions from people we've known for several years.... so I decided to answer everyone all at once instead of repeating it over and over again :)

Our little lady, Cameron, decided she wanted to be baptized...... again.

Yes, I said again. She had just turned 5 years old when she asked if she could be baptized the first time.

Just a few weeks ago at church Cameron went up at the alter call time... and said she wanted to accept Jesus as her savior and go through with baptism.

So, naturally, I later that day asked her about it. She doesn't remember being baptized the first time. We've definitely been through some growing pains in the past 5 years.... and it was a traumatic time for our family, just a few short months after Brandon's injury... and she was soo small. Just a little kindergartener.

She explained to me that she really understood in her heart now what it meant when Christ died for her and saved her... her heart was telling her that she needed to show it in front of everyone at church just like the Bible says you should. Obviously we had a pretty in depth conversation about it.

Well, who in the world am I to tell her that her heart is wrong?

So... yes... my daughter was baptized again today.... and I couldn't be more proud of her.

I certainly think she looks a lot more sure of her decision in the second set.... what do you think? :)

Thankful Thursday....

2011-07-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't done a thankful Thursday in quite a while...... I do believe it's right about time, don't you?

Today... I am thankful for....
- a husband that likes to surprise me with finished chores when I get home from running errands
- a toddler who just happens to be in a super lovey dovey snuggly stage
- school starting in just 3 weeks!
- one more week till me and the kids start our road trip
- finding a totally awesome healthy cookbook
- swimming pools... because it's like a million degrees outside
- my hives mysteriously disappearing today... just as mysteriously as they appeared last week
- air conditioning.... see swimming pools comment above
- summertime lunches with the kiddos at Nana and Grumps house
- my kids MISSING eachother! (Cam's been in Florida since Saturday!)
- being invited to be a guest blogger today! (Check out my guest blog at the PTSDdiary)

Aahh. That felt good. It's been far too long :)

8. embrace change

2011-07-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

Change is the only constant in our lives... and yet it is something that I have struggled to embrace.

Now if it's changing the color of a room... well you know I'm on board with that. A girl has to decorate, right? (It's therapeutic... you should do it)

The change I'm talking about is the scary kind.... the kind that keeps you up and night and makes you break out in hives. That'd be the kind I've been totally consumed with lately. We're down to "lasts."

If you have been following me for a few years, you'll remember my "lasts" from our big move away from Las Vegas. That was a traumatic change in our lives.... and it happened so quickly we hardly had time to breathe let alone embrace it. We did the best we could with the cards we had been dealt.

August 7th will mark two years since the day my mom and I packed up the kids and the puppy and drove them back to Texas. Brandon has been in school this whole time, and he's just 2 semesters away from graduation.

I think the place that I'm finding myself at right now is a little bit of a coping thing for me. Our last move away from our friends and the life that we had created was sudden and unexpected and emotional and sad. I'm bracing for it already. Obviously Brandon doesn't have a job lined up or anything just yet... but it's right there. 10 months away. And I'm already preparing myself to not be here... because it is a huge possibility.

Tonight, our pastor and his wife invited us over for dinner and fellowship. I have to tell you it was absolutely exactly what we needed. There is a reason we're here right now when we are.... and we have to look at this phase of our lives as an adventure.... because that's exactly what it is. Change is inevitable. It's the only constant thing we have in our lives.

This might be the last fall we'll have in Denton.... it might be the last time we celebrate Christmas in this house.... it might be the last time we'll live in Texas even. But I am determined to enjoy the ride instead of dreading the pain at the next fork in our crazy little road. Get ready, Change..... you and me are about to become real good friends......

22. practice discretion

2011-07-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

Obviously I took a bit of a hiatus from everything... blogging.... my new years resolution.... exercising.... pretty much everything.

But I'm baaaaack.

If you've forgotten my New Years Resolution project.... you can check out the original post here.

So on to the completion of number 22! Practicing discretion....

Quite frankly if I told you what this one was about.... well then I wouldn't have completed number twenty-two, would I? And then I'd have to kill you.

I believe we're all hard wired to gossip about others... especially the ones that we have roller coaster relationships with.... but I'm truly making an effort to not spill people's business. I think that makes me a better friend, whether we're close now or not. So there ya go.

Tiny Kitchen Cakery adventures....

2011-07-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

So I finally picked a little name for my dabbling in baked goodies....

Tiny Kitchen Cakery

Whaddya think? Cute, huh?

Anyway... my dad's birthday is coming up in a month... and I'll be making a Harley Davidson cake. I'm not set on flavors yet... but that's the easy part really!

I really like this jacket... not sure how I'll incorporate it... maybe if it's a two tiered number this would be the top tier. And I like the logo in the center... I would just customize it....

I really like the feel of this personalized logo. My dad's nickname when he was an airtraffic controller was Crude & Gross (yes, seriously...) so I think I'll put those on the top and bottom and happy birthday in the center. He'll love it :)

Then I'll do flames around a bottom tier shaped just like these ones. I love the overall look of these flames.

And then I have to edge the flame layer with chains just like this one! Cause it's totally hardcore... lol

I think it will be fabulous. :)

My husband is the best.

2011-07-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

****Shameless bragging on my hubby alert****

Today while I was out at a playdate and hanging out at the pool with my girl friend....

Brandon cleaned up everything in the bedroom.....
and dusted the furniture.....
and hung my little pug sign on my office door.....
and re-organized his shelf and his side of the sink in the bathroom so it would be more "OCD" friendly to me....
and he had already loaded up the dishwasher!

Just to make me happy. Isn't he awesome?

A good day at the VA? Really?

2011-07-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

We've actually been avoiding the VA for over a year.... Brandon had a pretty negative experience at the Dallas VA and we decided that it would be better for our family to just utilize our Tricare benefits instead. They're pretty good benefits, honestly!

But just a few months ago, we had a new neighbor move in across the street. He's retired military.... 60% disabled.... he was actually a Navy diver. Brandon will occasionally just go over there to talk... and I can't even tell you how awesome I feel when I know he has someone literally right across the street to talk to about things that he thinks maybe no one else will understand.

Anyway, our neighbor talked Brandon into checking out the local VA community clinic up here in Denton. He gave Brandon a few cards to get connected with a few veterans benefits people up here in the area... and Brandon actually called and made the appointment. I have to tell you....... I was shocked.

His appointment was yesterday... and he came home in a GOOD MOOD. Yeah. When have you ever heard of someone leaving a VA clinic HAPPY? Yeah, me neither. But he did. They're getting him set up with a primary care doc... and took a bunch of x-rays and blood work and got him set up with pain management. He actually has another appointment next week!

I'm so very incredibly happy. They're willing to work with the leg specialist Brandon found out in Dallas... and want to do everything they can to help him out in figuring out how to help relieve his pain.

Yay for the Denton VA Community Clinic! You guys rock.

All better now. :)

2011-06-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

So all of these new diet revelations were great and everything...........

But they weren't the problem.

An AWOL Mirena IUD and completely scarred down fallopian tubes were the culprit for pretty much all of my abdominal discomforts. I haven't seen the surgery pics yet, but I guess my tubes were completely adhered to my abdominal wall and stretched out like twice as far as it should have been. The IUD had perforated the side of my uterus and was just chilling out inbetween my uterus and my intestines. It didn't do any other damage, but it just constantly was keeping everything inflamed and irritated in there. Explains a LOT.

I had surgery on Monday.... I am IUD and falloptian tube free..... and I feel FABULOUS.

So back to our regularly scheduled nonsense that is my regular everyday life :)

Food woes.....

2011-06-08T23:14:00.000-07:00

Sunday, we had some friends over. We munched on some fresh veggies while we all sat around the table and played a few games of cards....

Within an hour I was in so much physical pain that I had to lay down... I felt like I needed to throw up... my stomach was in knots and was so suddenly bloated it was shocking to me.... and nothing I did made it any better. All night. Brandon gave me phenagren to make me more comfortable... but it just knocked me out and I tossed and turned all night long.

Tonight... the EXACT same thing happened.

What did I do that was common for both days? Eat broccoli. Raw. That was it. Except tonight I had like 3x the amount I had on Sunday.... and I ended up just making myself throw up after 5 hours of agony.

I've been googling all kinds of food sensitivities and intolerances.... and I have stumbled on ALL kinds of gems!

"People with ragweed allergies might experience this reaction when they eat a banana, cantaloupe, cucumber, honeydew, watermelon and raw zucchini. Drinking chamomile tea, eating sunflower seeds or taking the herb echinacea might also provoke a response, since these are also in the same botanical family."

That's pretty much a whole list of just about everything that causes a reaction when I eat it in raw form. No joke. But.... I can eat banana bread... I love sauteed zucchini.... and tolerate both of them well. Raw, all of these things make my mouth and throat itch.

"Grass pollen is related to substances found in melons, tomatoes, oranges, peaches and celery. And the pollen from alder trees might cross-react with apples, cherries, peaches, pears, celery, parsley, almonds and hazelnuts."

Raw nuts are just a no-no for me. Everyone touts that they're the best thing and better for you than roasted nuts. I tried it. It just doesn't work out well.

Now... I know that these allergen tidbits don't mention broccoli.... but you can't make up the kind of nausea and pain I had twice now this week. There's something wrong there. I've found some websites that talk about it and it's technically just a food intolerance.... so the cure is avoidance. Awesome. Another thing to avoid!

I do believe that I should be possibly looking into starting the Elimination Diet. Anyone ever done it?

Good times.... good times......

2011-05-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

Today was actually quite a nice day.

The little sister in law and her husband were in town for a few days for her graduation from court reporting school.... and we spent the day at my husband's parents house chatting and visiting and celebrating.

I still have my little chip on my shoulder from my "if you can't say anything nice" chapter here..... and found out some fun new happenings that were not so nicely directed at my sister in law and her husband.... and seriously struggled to be nice today. I mean seriously.

This was also our first experience, outside of the wedding, to really share family time with my little sister in law's new in-laws. It still feels like everyone is stepping on everyone else's toes.... and quite frankly, I got irritated when we were taking pictures after her graduation ceremony and a certain someone was directing who would be taking picture with her next, and Kat's Mamaw is just standing there waiting to take a picture with her granddaughter but apparently it wasn't her "turn".....

Yes. I realize that's stupid. But it irritated me... because I already had a chip on my shoulder. And I feel protective of my family. And I can't stand bossy people. Probably because I'm bossy.

UGH. I'm not a mean person. I need to remove myself from this extraordinarily negative place.

It was a GREAT day. The graduation was awesome... it was a small family owned career institute.... and some of the graduates said a little something after they accepted their diplomas.... and it was just too awesome. Some of their stories were really touching... and it's awesome to see people try to reach beyond their circumstances to become what they want to become. Inspirational for sure.

The barbecue was awesome, too. We spent pretty much the whole day down in Waxahachie... visiting with family and just relaxing and watching the kids play with each other. The kids had a blast playing with Kat and Elliott.... they definitely missed their aunt and uncle! It was pitiful when we were leaving tonight.... Preston didn't want to let her go... he wanted to go to her house instead of our house. I thought Kat was going to cry!

I was reminded today also of the pros and cons of living away from family. I feel like my sister in law feels pressure to spend time with everyone all in a super short amount of time.... much like we did when we would come home for a week or so maybe twice a year at the most.... and I always appreciated the people who didn't put pressure on us for massive amounts of planned time. Honestly, those were usually the people that we chose to spend the most time with. I'm just trying not to be that time-hog for them just because my kids miss them. Everyone else misses them, too!

Anyway. I'm home now.... relaxing in bed with a big glass of ice water.... trying to get myself centered in a more positive place.

Cause let's be real here............... my in-laws rock. I have much to be thankful for.

Just for you, Crystal. :)

2011-05-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

Please excuse my long vacation from blogging......

You know the old saying... "If you don't have anything nice to say....."?

Yeah.

I had to just excuse myself for a minute.

Anyway. Moving on.

I've been keeping myself busy... working out.... making new little crafty things to sell... and getting things in order around the house for a few events and parties going on in the next few months. I tried to start making some new items to sell.... felt balls, hair flowers, pin cushions, pin cups.... yeah. Honestly I think I just did too many all at once. That's my problem... narrowing it down. I just love crafts. The next time I get a little idea, I should just try it out for me or for one of my kids before I invest in it. Seriously. I mean it wasn't a lot of investing or anything. I just don't think I'll get my money back on it, honestly. We'll see.

I've kinda decided that I won't be making any more of the little extra "things" to sell at craft shows..... I love me some ornaments..... and those are my absolute favorite to make. The other stuff just ends up looking like "chachkies" to me.... I dunno. I still love making the little hair flowers... but I'm just going to make those as people ask me for something specific or if I want something for me or for Cam. I'm going to change directions a little bit and stick to craft projects around the house or to improve items in our home. I'd love to learn how to make slipcovers like an awesomely talented woman in our Sunday School class. Something that's useful and pretty all at the same time.

Other than my little business insecurities..... things are going quite well. After I had to quit Insanity because of my intense joint pain.... for a few weeks, I was trying to really be "disciplined" and track my intake and exercise.... but I found that I was really starting to get back into some really negative thought patterns I hadn't experienced in a while. I haven't had a physical problem with eating disorders since I was in high school... but putting the pressure on myself to let someone else read my food diary was not a good idea. I would actually have the thought like "I would rather go throw that up then put it down in my food log." Uh WHOA. I didn't do it, obviously. But there is nothing wrong with having a cookie, dude. I eat tons of veggies, healthy protein, and eat mostly gluten free and whole grain carbs. That's the goal right?

Once I stopped food logging, and concentrated on eating smart choices with occasional splurges, everyone around me says I look like I've lost a lot of weight. I actually am choosing not to get on my scale for a while... because that's not ultimately my goal. I just want to feel better and look better.... not be a certain weight. I've also been trying to find other ways to remove as much stress from my life as possible. I'm trying to live in each moment and not feel like I have to have my day so rigidly planned out that I can't function if we go off track. It's really helped to put me in a good place mentally and emotionally... and to help me to deal with the things around me that make me want to vent "not nice" things... (see beginning of the blog entry...)

If it's possible for me to be less stressed in the midst of all of this end of school craziness, party planning, drama surrounding me from all directions, and weight loss woes...... I can't wait for summer to get here. This will be the best summer eveerrrrrr.....

<3

Megan's Test Kitchen..... Homemade Sugar Free Nutella

2011-04-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

I saw the recipe on this site.... and of course I had to try it myself. I LOVE me some nutella. But the sugar content is ridiculous.

Of course.... I had to make a few tweaks just because I'm me..... so here we go. Here's what we turned out with!

2 cups hazelnuts
1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
3/4 cup pure xylitol
1 cup unsweetened almond milk
3 tablespoons canola oil
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
pinch of salt

Blend the hazlenuts for 5 minutes or so in a food processor.... dump in everything else and blend until it looks delicious :)

How easy was that? Helloooo. Easier than going to the store to buy nutella!

And it is pretty delicious. Regular almond milk and cow's milk are much sweeter... so you may have to adjust your sweetness level.... but it was absolutely awesome. If you take the time to remove the skins from the hazlenuts (I didn't have the option.... mine came pre-chopped with the skin on! Like I was going to sit there and pick the skin out... pssssht) the texture would be much smoother! So just depends on your taste :)

ENJOY!

Megan's Test Kitchen....

2011-04-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of experimenting in the kitchen lately. I used to do it allll the time.... and I loved it! So today, before the kiddos came home.... I did a little gluten free banana bread experiment! I got some xylitol at the Cupboard the other day, but I've never baked with it before. I decided to do a little half sugar half xylitol action because I was afraid of messing up a whole loaf of bread, honestly! I always try to use organic where I can, especially in fruits and veggies, and use only cage free eggs... but average ingredients would taste just as fine I'm sure :)

So here it is.

Megan's Banana Bread

5 medium sized bananas, mashed

2 eggs, beaten

1/2 cup butter, melted

1/3 cup brown sugar

1/3 cup xylitol

1 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp nutmeg

1 tsp vanilla

2 cups gluten free all-purpose flour

Optional topping

1/2 cup crushed pecans (from Gramaw's tree in Pecan Island!)

1/4 cup gluten free oats

2 T agave nectar

Preheat oven to 350F

Mash bananas.... add beaten eggs.... add melted butter.... and stir!

Add brown sugar, xylitol and baking soda...... and stir.

Add salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and vanilla..... and.... you guessed it.... stir!

Lastly, add 2 cups gluten free flour. Stir only until blended well... do not over mix!

Grease and flour a bread pan.... pour in all of the batter. Top with pecans, oats, and drizzle with agave nectar.

Bake for 60 minutes at 350F. Remove from the pan and cool before serving!

Slice..... aaand enjoy!

Needs

2011-04-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever *felt* someone's prayer for you?

Yesterday I went to a women's luncheon, and it was fantastic. One of the ladies that shared talked about how she could feel the specific prayers that her friends would pray during her fight with breast cancer a few years ago.

Lately, we've had a few people knowing specifically what's going on with us, and they have prayed for us and our family specifically. For all of you who read this blog who are included in that "few people" group... thank you. Your prayers have been felt... and they have been answered. Amen!

We have definitely felt specific prayers along the way, but lately we have definitely had a problem with opening our hearts to our new friends around us here in Denton. But, if you don't tell your friends what's going on... how can you deepen in your relationships and how can they ever know if you are in need of prayer? I took that to heart lately, and I have shared bits of our current season with a few of my new friends that I met up with face to face. It has made all of the difference for me knowing that someone else knows where we're at and what we need spiritually. My heart feels full.

---

Since we're no longer attending regularly, I think I might just share here a bit of what's been going on.

Brandon and I started to attend marriage counseling a few weeks ago. We both felt resentful and angry and tired of being in the same cycle over and over again and like the other one didn't even care about our feelings. We knew this wasn't like us... and we didn't want to live that way.... but simply praying about it wasn't helping because honestly neither one of us took a step back and really tried to change perspective. We found an awesome Christian counselor and started seeing him, and he gave us some interesting and challenging homework that really helped us to change focus and let go of some things.

A few weeks ago, I shared something that I said in therapy.... that I felt like I was happier before Preston was here. Brandon shared some equally painful emotions of his own that had never been said out loud. I think once both of us ripped those band-aids off that we've been trying to hide for so long, we were both able to realize that we have both been half awake through our lives for the last 4 1/2 years. We never acknowledged EVERYTHING that we were actually feeling, and so it just kind of went untouched and unresolved and continued to grow and fester.We've both been mostly numb through the majority of events over the last few years.

After a few sessions, we both had a renewed commitment to meet the other right where we were at... acknowledge our real feelings... make our real needs known.... and meet each others needs happily.

For me, that meant getting the time that I needed to take care of myself. For an hour a day, Brandon takes Preston upstairs or outside to play while I work out and take care of myself physically. That also means having the alone time that I need to put my mind at rest. Whether it's reading or a bubble bath or crafting in the office alone, whatever! When I don't have it, my mind races and my body usually follows.... hence the burnout I've been feeling. I've been operating on un-met needs of mine for the last 4 1/2 years. I hit my wall. I didn't understand why I wasn't able to function all of a sudden now... after everything we've been through... I just couldn't grasp why I'm falling apart now.

This weekend, Brandon picked Cameron up from school early on Friday and packed up the kids and took them down to his parents house. I got to stay here at the house all by myself this weekend. They will be coming back in a few hours, but I wanted to get everything I've been processing this weekend out before they get here. I didn't ask him to take them... he suggested it a few days ago... and of course you know he had to twist my arm to get me to agree to it. Haha ;)

But it's been a wonderful weekend to myself. I went to a ladies luncheon at church and had oodles of time to get all primped and ready... cause you know I love to get all prettied up. I've kept the TV's off unless I was actually watching a show... I haven't turned the radio on at all.... I turned on our little sound machine occasionally to the Rainforest or Thunderstorm sound effects just because it soothes me..... but having the complete quiet and being able to sit and work on what makes me happy has really helped me put my emotions and mind and body in check. I've just been having random quiet conversations with God whenever a thought crossed my mind. I feel calm and at peace and happy. I feel centered. I feel whole. I haven't felt like this in a very long time.

I would dare say that the last time I remember feeling this in touch with my core was while Brandon was deployed. If I didn't take care of myself, Cameron had no one else to fall back on... so I would tell her when Mommy needed quiet time or that when we went to the gym, Mommy just had to have this little bit of time for herself and then we would have fun the rest of the day. She understood as a little 5 year old that it was good to tell each other when you needed alone time. I haven't shown her that since... but I hope that now I can remind her of the lessons that we learned while Daddy was gone.... and that it's most important to take care of yourself so that you can be whole enough to love those around you.

As I said, we're no longer attending counseling. Not that we don't "need" it.... I'm sure we still have room to improve. But the last few times we went in.... we didn't come in with anything specific that we wanted to address. We're on the same page... and in tune with each other and our feelings.... and accepting the others feelings and actions for what they are and not being resentful for something they're not.... and isn't that the goal anyway? He wants to see us back in a few weeks or months to make sure we're not regressing, but something tells me we'll be okay. I have his back... and he has mine... and we've both got God backing us up. Isn't that all we need?

News ticker of the week.....

2011-04-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, I've been keeping myself incredibly busy. Not in a, "I can't stop because if I do I'll be sad" kind of ways.... more of a "OMG I can't wait to start on that next project" kinda way.

First things first.... I'm on 17 of Insanity.... I've lost 14 lbs since February.... and I feel faaabulous. Inside and out. I do believe this is the least I've weighed since we moved into this house over a year ago. Go me!

My little crafting ideas have exploded like you would not even believe. I've made head bands and flower pot pin cushions and monogrammed sachets and magnets and pins.... and tomorrow I plan to make some "Mommy & Me" ornaments and sachets just in time for Mother's Day! Plus I'm doing a little table at the MOMS Club meeting at the end of the month and I want to have a few on hand for that because the club president asked me if I would create some kind of Mommy thing.

Other than that, I've been trying to get the office organized and the clutter cleared out and keep my house fresh and clean and the laundry baskets empty. I'm doing well. Not OCD Megan well... but I would be happy to have someone over most days out of the week. That's an improvement for me. I usually won't have anyone in my home unless it's like magazine perfect. I'm learning to be okay with imperfections and a blanket on the couch and a box of crafts on the dining room table for the night. I'm purposely leaving things out just so I can be imperfect for a minute. I'm sure that sounds totally insane to someone who doesn't understand my constant need for perfection.... but it's okay. I'm working on being "normal" here, people!

We've also met some super awesome friends. One thing I've learned about myself is that when Brandon is apprehensive and stand-offish... I typically mimic his behavior. I'm making a purposeful effort to make REAL connections with people.... and we had a fabulous play date this weekend with a friend who has kids the same ages as my kids! So it works out great for our kids too! We also have several things on the agenda for next week with the MOMS Club... and I'm going to put in the effort at those functions as well. I want to feel connected to the world.... and it won't happen if I'm just sitting here on my rump!

In other news...... I'm signing myself up for several craft shows... so be on the look out for information about that!

Bread crumbs

2011-03-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

I need to get out of my incredibly sappy introspective self. Seriously. No more heavy posts for a while, I PROMISE!

Today I have officially completed Day 8 of Insanity.

I'm seeing some changes already, which is always nice. I can feel myself getting stronger when I repeat a workout. It's kind of encouraging.

My thighs also officially hate me. 6 days of abuse each week.... they might go on strike soon.

I'm fine that they continue to hate me just as long as they look fabulous this summer while taking my kids to the pool.

We got Brandon an appointment with a totally fabulous leg specialist. He comes highly recommended. He's actually the guy that fixed up Brandon's dad after his accident in Colorado almost 10 years ago.

Poor guy. That was right after it had been put on I think. I don't think Brandon will need one of those at this point.... but still. He's a gutsy doc... which is exactly what we need.

Switching gears.... I'm feeling a lot of inner peace.

I feel almost as if I'm following a little trail of bread crumbs these past several weeks.

Some days I get to the point that I feel so overwhelmed I want to cry. But what do I do to cope?

DO MORE STUFF!

Totally makes sense right?

When I take the time to just calm myself... listen to God... and be still.... I feel like I am able to see today's "bread crumb" if you will. I wish I would remember to do this all the time.... I would be a much more pleasant person.

I'd also have a lot more bread crumbs.

63. deserve happiness

2011-03-26T19:34:00.000-07:00

Aahhh, happiness.

I think I just this month realize how unhappy I have been. For a long time now.

We've been doing a lot of work privately.... and making changes and sharing our hearts and speaking honestly.... and so many things have come out in the open.

I understand now more than ever that it's not a destination that we're working towards.... it's finding happiness along the journey.

I said something incredibly painful out loud the other day........

"I feel like our lives were better before we had Preston."

That statement made me feel like such a horrible person. And truly it has very little to do with Preston. We found out we were pregnant just a few months after Brandon's injury. Things have never been the same.... and more times than not I find myself with an overly full plate and not enough time devoted to taking care of my physical and spiritual self.

Instead of picking apart my life and trying to figure out what I've done wrong and what needs to be fixed.... I decided to look at it a different way. I asked myself, "What made me happy pre-Preston?"

I used to really take care of myself physically and put that first.
I used to have plenty of time alone because Cameron was older and she, too, enjoyed her solitude time every day.
I used to get out of the house on playdates and with friends on a regular basis.
I invited people over often.
I used to help enable Cameron to do things on her own.

Over the last 3 years.... I would give myself an "F" in almost every one of these areas.

I haven't put my physical self first. Emotional self... ehh... I get a "C+" because there were a lot of misplaced emotions that hurt people around me. But you can't really care for those around you until you take care of your physical self.

I rarely have time alone... because I have a toddler.... and Brandon has a relaxed school schedule and we are at home together a lot. Sometimes I just feel guilty for taking time aside when I should be spending time with them while we're in this more relaxed phase of our lives. Soon Preston will be in school... and Brandon will have a full time job and we won't have these opportunities... but that doesn't mean that I should neglect my quiet time.

I don't get out of the house regularly and often back out of playdates I've RSVP'd to.... because I just feel overwhelmed all the time. I invite friends over once or twice.... but I don't have anyone over for some recurring day or time.

I feel like I've taken huge steps back on enabling my kids to handle things on their own. We put things out of Preston's reach because he WANTS to help himself. How much sense does that make? Cameron takes care of some chores... but she has been incredibly lax lately... and quite frankly doing everything with a dose of attitude. I realize this is a stage that every kid goes through, but I've been so overwhelmed I've just been letting things go without really handling them... or blowing up and still not really addressing it. Today... it was a bit of a snapping point for me. The attitude and the disrespectful tone and the annoyed body language and eye rolling and the little huffs and puffs..... she is lucky that we had people there. I needed a good bit to cool down before I talked to her. But I addressed it.... for real.

I deserve to have the time to take care of myself physically. I deserve to have the space that I need to do that. Regularly.

I deserve to have time alone at least once every day. Even if it's just for 10 minutes. I need that. It helps me get centered.

I deserve to have meaningful friendships that go beyond the surface and small talk. I need to open myself up and stop carrying around this chip on my shoulder. EVERYONE is overwhelmed. We're all struggling. We need to help each other.

I deserve to have my kids be age-appropriately self sufficient. I deserve respect. I deserve appreciation. I deserve consideration. And if they want to live in this house, those are the things they will give me. If they so choose not to give me one or more of those things, they will face immediate consequences.

I deserve happiness.

Post it note Tuesday

2011-03-08T07:07:00.000-08:00

2011-03-08T07:02:00.000-08:00

Soo many positive things to mention....

I found two awesome bible study books for myself....

My women's bible study group is still meeting and I'm going tonight.....

I have awesome fresh flowers in my dining room and in my bedroom....

My parents kept the kids for us this weekend....

Brandon's hand surgeon recommended us to a leg surgeon who isn't intimidated by complicated cases.....

My calendar is delightfully empty this week....

I got a package in the mail from an awesome friend with lots of bath goodies for relaxation....

Just good stuff. And flowers help. Especially lilies.

2011-03-05T06:11:00.000-08:00

I feel good today.... positive even. Peace that you know can only come from God is such an awe inspiring thing.

Song of the week....

2011-03-04T13:56:00.001-08:00

2011-03-02T10:16:00.000-08:00

"My will shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny." - Elaine Maxwell

Lots of phone calls and appointments made.... feeling better today. But I might just be keeping to myself for a bit until I find the balance in all of this.

Thanks for the prayers, friends.

I wonder....

2011-02-28T15:51:00.001-08:00

Is it even possible to be sympathetic and furious all in the same moment?

We're going to need some hard core prayers, friends. You don't even know....

Women Of Warriors Retreat - Part 2

2011-02-25T17:24:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a few weeks since the first installment.... sorry for the delay! Sometimes life gets in the way of blogging.

If you missed it.... you can check out part 1 here before you move on to read part 2.

The second day of our retreat brought a lot of the lessons we learned day 1 full circle. First we all got together and circled up around a warm fire outside on the patio next to the arena. We each had a moment to comment on what we learned the previous day... and the lessons that we could apply to our lives... and just the emotional state that we found ourselves in.

Even though we all were in different sets of circumstances and our husbands all have different injuries... we each shared a lot of the same emotional baggage from our lives in the aftermath of war.

After our campfire chat .... we all gathered in the arena. We started out by standing in our hula hoops again... which was a good place to start the exercise. It's always good to do a reality check and make sure that you're focusing on your "hula hoop" and the things that you can control instead of wasting your energy on things that you can't control.

We then, as a group, labeled the buckets again.... this time labeling them for the resources that we have available to us. Support systems, self care, organizations, coping techniques.... you name it, it was on there!

Our next task was to paint the horses. You read that correctly.... PAINT.... the horses.... yeah! We worked with three different horses that day.... and we were instructed to label the horses as threats in our lives that upset the status quo. As a group, we decided that our horses would represent military, masks, and frustration. The "military" horse represents why we're all in this situation anyway... and it's where all of our husbands want to be... and it represented the MEB and the perceived judgment that came with it. The "masks" horse was representing how our husbands put on a happy face for the world... and leave us and our immediate families with the broken souls. No one else gets to see the brokenness and the anger that they are so cleverly good at hiding. The "frustration" horse represented... well.... obviously frustration! Ours.... our husbands..... our families.... everyone! Frustration is contagious.

Our leaders asked us to construct our world using various items around the arena. We represented our families... our support system... and our emptying of our "crap buckets" amongst other things. We then had to fill up our buckets of "resources" with hay and treats... and place the resources in our world.

Then..... they unleashed the threats into our world. As a group, we had to protect our world from the threats. We decided to hold the wooden posts horizontally in a triangle form and try to distract the horses away from the goodies hidden within our worlds. But.... as animals do..... they could sense the ones that were weak. And ..... *raises hand up high*..... I was one of them. Yeah it kinda surprised me too... don't worry :) "Frustration" the horse was aaalllll up in my business. And I was pretty nervous. He was quite intimidating. And every time he would get all up in my face and start bowing up to me.... I would start to back up a little bit until I felt more comfortable...... backing up my boundary!

Wow. Isn't that exactly what I do when confronted with my husband's frustration? Back up my boundary.... finish whatever it is he couldn't get to because he needed isolation..... dot his i's and cross his t's? Essentially... do all of the things you would do for a child? Yep. That is exactly what I was doing. I would rather just do everything myself when he's in a place like that then just let him fail. My thinking wasn't all wrong.... "If he fails... it effects all of us..." ABSOLUTELY. That's right. But it's not up to me to make sure that he doesn't. It's up to him! And taking that responsibility from him is totally emasculating.... and only reinforces the isolation and frustration.

Eventually.... we started to give up on the exercise. We got whatever it was we thought we were supposed to get out of it. But then, one of the girls decided that we were NOT done... and she started grabbing stuff to move it in closer so she could more easily guard it. When she accidentally shook the bucket with all of our hula hoops in it..... the horses startled. Whaaat! We all ran over there and each one of us grabbed our hula hoops and shook them all over the place like a bunch of crazy ladies! And the horses went nuts! They ran all the way over to the far corner of the arena and got as far away from us as possible. We were so very proud of ourselves.

The exercise plays out different every time we're told..... but for our group.... driving off our threats by simply waving around our hula hoops was so incredibly symbolic and a wonderful feeling to take away from our weekend. WE are in control of ourselves.... and that is it. We can't keep frustration away forever.... we can't control the military and the policies and the hurry up and wait.... we can't control the way our husbands behave in public or at home...... but we CAN control what's in our hula hoops.... and doing so can shake our worlds down to their core.

My weekend in Florida was amazing. I'll even say it again.... it is the most useful information that I have learned since my husband's injury in 2006. I feel more empowered.... I feel more centered.... I feel more HAPPY..... and isn't that what we're all looking for? We've definitely had a few "PTSD" days.... but I simply chose to focus on what I could change about the situation... and not how I could "make everything better." Just that one simple change of perspective has changed our lives in a huge and powerful way... and I am forever grateful to everyone at Quantum Leap Farms and Operation Homefront and At EASE. Thank you for helping me to change my personal perspective and change my life.

Thankful Thursday....

2011-02-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful.

I am thankful for a husband who was willing to give up his dream because it was the best thing for his family.

I am thankful for kids who are snuggling in bed right now watching Veggie Tales. It isn't always so lovey around here.... but if they were like this all the time I wouldn't appreciate it so very much :)

I am thankful for a mom who, even when sick, is still willing to watch my kiddo while I go talk to a CPA with the hubby and then takes me to Costco to stock up my pantry.

I am thankful for family who is willing to fill in the gaps until we get our ducks in a row... agaiiinn.

I am thankful, that even though our tax return is not near what we expected, it's still money back... and it will still help pay off our credit card.

I am thankful for my recent conversations with God. They have brought me an immense amount of peace.

I am thankful for opportunities that have been placed in front of us....and for what they might mean for the future of my little family.

I am thankful for my recent little burst of energy and motivation.... and for resources that have helped me to learn how to really care for myself better.

I feel thankful for another today.

Revelations always come in little groups....

2011-02-15T15:33:00.000-08:00

The last 30 days for me has been perspective changing for sure. And here I thought I had done so much personal internal work that my little introspection journey was complete! I still plan to blog about part 2 of my retreat in Florida... it will hopefully come later this week... but I just had to get some of these little tidbits out of my head! Some of these revelations have come from my work at Quantum Leap Farms.... and some of it has been discovered in quiet time with God.

My life has felt chaotic lately because it HAS been chaotic. I have been so busy I haven't balanced my bank account since before Christmas. I did that today amongst other things. Sure wish I would have done that before we ran out of money this month. And luckily we have all of our needs taken care of this month. But I've had stuff piled on my desk, and ornaments sitting here waiting since January, and birthday party stuff all over the office, and I just keep putting it off because it stresses me out. So I've been taking on something every day over the last week and a half. Today I felt so relaxed just by the things I had already done that I just up and took Preston to the park. It was fantastic. And he needs more of that.

I had an honest conversation with myself about my health. I haven't been as active as I once was.... and I could tell you it was any one of ten different "reasons".... and now that I've worked through all of them and none of them really stick or make any sense.... I'm off my behind. I will say that some of my lack of activity has definitely come from some guilt I've been feeling about being active with the kids when Brandon can't or won't (physical limitations and depression both) Both Brandon and I had sunk into a bit of a depression over the holidays... and I'm tired of being there. I made strides over the last month... but my trip to Vegas brought a lot of things home for me.... and I've been doing something active each and every day. I even worked out the last three days in a row. Go me.

Speaking of Vegas.... I think the timing of this trip has been truly a God thing. I have been looking back in the past like my friendships back at home on base were so much easier... and we all lived close together... and we all had so much in common that things just happened. Going back... and being around my friends and visiting with them.... I finally remembered some of the hardships that came with each of our friendships. We're all different.... and the reason our friendships worked is that we chose to look beyond each others imperfections and just love one another. I think that realizing that my Vegas friendships took weeks and months and years of work was something that I had to go back home to finally understand. None of my friendships just fell into place and stayed perfect.

Another thing I've found myself wishing back for is North Valley Fellowship. I got to visit the Sunday that I was back in Vegas... and the worship music was still fantastic (They somehow played all of my favorite songs that Sunday! Thanks Scott and Heather!) and Matt's message was just as honest and challenging as it usually is. I love NVF. But it, too, has changed. I have been longing to be back in our church family where we knew everyone and everyone was so closely knit and involved in everything together.... but in visiting with Ericka and Gail and everyone.... the church has grown so much that even they hardly knew anyone in the service that I went to! So it's not this idyllic place that is just sitting in Vegas waiting for us exactly as it was. It has changed as much as we have.

I think that's a lot of my problem. As much as I love Vegas... and I view it as our home.... really I think the reason I feel like that is because it truly was our first home together as a family. The reason we don't feel connected here is because we haven't even tried. The reason we haven't tried is because we don't know where we're going to be when Brandon finishes school hopefully next year.

I've also had a little AHA moment this week..... about where our "home" feels like it should or shouldn't be. We have definitely struggled as a family here.... moving back close to all of our extended family. We don't feel like this is our "home" anymore. But just because I don't feel at "home" doesn't mean that this isn't exactly where God might be calling us to be for a long period of time. When Brandon graduates, we truly could end up anywhere.... including right here. God doesn't always call you to where you feel most comfortable.

For me to neglect cultivating meaningful relationships simply because I don't feel "home" here is just silly. We've also realized that we need to set up better boundaries.... and just because the rest of the family is getting together doesn't mean that we always have to drop everything we've got going on and run off to be with everyone. Sometimes, a relaxing pajama day on the weekend with our kids is just as important as spending time with our extended families.

My grandmother sent me a birthday card this year. I haven't gotten a birthday card from my Gramaw since I was really small. It like made my whole week. I know that even she was worried about picking out the right card and she had picked one and went back and got another one. I did the same thing with her birthday card, too. I'm certain that it will be less pressure in the future.... but the first birthdays and holidays celebrated since we reconnected last summer have been extra special for me.

And while we're on that subject.... My husband posed a question to me the other day. He asked if anyone from my Mom's family came down here if I would be nervous about them seeing my mom or if something happened would it make me upset. I've actually thought that situation through more than once.... and I've finally come to the conclusion that it doesn't affect me. It's not in my "hula-hoop." I have a relationship with my mom that is awesome..... I have a new relationship with her family which is awesome.... they're not talking which is okay and doesn't bother me anymore.... and if something happens and their relationship is further strained............ that effects me... how? Everyone knows I'm not on any sides here. I'm just lovin' on everybody!

There are more..... but I have cheer practice to get to... and a family to feed. :)

It's post it note tuesday! finally getting back into the swing....

2011-02-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

33. plan parties

2011-02-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

Best birthday party we've ever hosted.

We had some of our friends from Sunday school over for the first time for Preston's third birthday party... and it was fantastic.

The whole Byers family came together to put on the Superhero Academy. It was fabulous! Everyone worked together to make masks, belts and capes.... and then the training began! Leaping buildings in a single bound (or hay bales.... same thing!).... vaporizing villains with silly string.... grabbing kryptonite from the batcave.... mighty muscles weight lifting.... magnificent minds candy counting.....

The kids had a blast.... we really enjoyed all of our little superheroes and their parents... and Preston is still riding high from the fun he had today. It was worth every hour we put in to planning and executing his little birthday celebration :)

We have definitely found a wonderful place to call home (..... for now!) :)

9. challenge yourself - I DID IT!

2011-02-11T21:41:00.000-08:00

Ooooh yeah.

The colors aren't exactly how I envisioned them... ( I colored my own fondant... ) and I sort of made the superman so big that it wouldn't fit on its intended tier.... so both Batman and Superman are sharing a tier and the blue tier is just empty...... but..... all in all I'd say that I am proud of myself!

This was the inspiration.....

I ended up opting out of the third tier.... because I didn't want to be left with GOBS of cake.... but looking at it now.... it really needed the green!

Anyway.... This is my finished product.

Not too shabby. And I feel like next time I won't be so nervous about messing stuff up so it'll be a little less intimidating. My next cake will be for Cam's 10th birthday next month! I already have a plan in my head :)

12. take pictures

2011-02-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone else is enjoying the 2011 Icepocalypse as much as we are :)

9. challenge yourself

2011-01-30T12:55:00.000-08:00

I am going to be making this for my kid's 3rd birthday.

And then also incorporating this one on top....

What is wrong with me? I'm fairly certain that I've lost my mind. If you have any fondant skills... I'm going to be needing your assistance the night of February 11th. Mkay.

27. say no

2011-01-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

I have suuuuch a hard time saying no to people. I'm a helper, by design, and love to sign up for any and all volunteer opportunities. I also usually don't run my volunteering schedule desires by my husband, either. Not good, I know. I'm working on it.

Several weeks ago I had signed up to help at the concessions stand for the Upwards basketball league that Cameron is cheering for. After I had volunteered to help, Brandon picked a date for his hand surgery. He had surgery the day before the first game was to start. This past Saturday... Brandon was alone with the kids for a few hours while I was up there, but even in that short time it somehow managed to put a bit of a sour note on the rest of our day.

Long story short, I realized during my retreat that I have over commitment issues. So I have stepped back from several of my self created obligations.... including the Saturday morning concessions.... for my family. I definitely see that I have focused my attention on so many outward obligations so that I didn't really need to focus on myself and my relationships and the work that needs to be done there.

Part of me (the people pleaser part) is like, "Oh man I hope they're not going to be mad at me"..... but then the newly enlightened part of me totally understands that it's not in my hula hoop... and it's okay to say no.

Me and Sparkles

2011-01-26T10:16:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to lighten it up a bit after yesterday's super emotionally charged entry.....

So enjoy the pictures of me and my bud Sparkles :)

Women Of Warriors Retreat - Part 1

2011-01-25T19:38:00.001-08:00

I have to admit I was really just looking forward to the retreat to have some time away to myself. I didn't even look at where I was going until the day before I left, and that was only so I could check the weather so I could pack appropriately! It was going to be four days and three nights of grown up time... and that's all that mattered to me.

The first night at dinner... most of the girls started chatting just about the "stats" ... where we were all from, what service your husband was(or is) in, what happened to him, and what we were currently struggling with. A few of us were having such a wonderful time just bonding with each other and being so openly honest right out the gate, we stayed out late and took our little girl bonding time out to the mall nearby... and then after wards we gathered in one of the hotel rooms and just sat around and visited until somewhere close to midnight.

We had two amazing women speaking to us the first morning, the first being the founder of Quantum Leap Farms, Dr. Edie Ebbert Dopking who discussed the different aspects of TBI. Our second presentation on the ins and outs of PTSD by Dr. Bridget Cantrell. Both of them amazing women... and had such an openness about them that it immediately helped all of the wives to disarm a little bit and get some big issues out in the open. In fact, while Dr. Cantrell was speaking, she mentioned something that hit a sore spot with me, and I opened up and then the water works were just flowing.

For me personally, I've been in this cycle of whatever you want to call it now for over 4 years. I have never been at the point where I couldn't operate on a day to day basis, so I wouldn't say that I thought our marriage or my life was in a crisis. Once I started to share things that I hadn't said out loud to anyone, all kinds of mess came out. I have been holding on to things that I didn't even realize I was holding on to.

Later that afternoon, we moved our group session to the horse arena. I, of course, was anxious because I hadn't been close to a horse in a very long time and had a bad experience as a child. But once the horses came in, and we started watching them and interacting with them, I totally relaxed. They let each of us pick the horse that we wanted to work with... and said that you never pick the wrong horse... you are with whatever horse you pick for a reason. We also got to name our horses, too, to help us bond with the horse. At first, we called ours Speckles.... but it just gradually changed into Sparkles. A boy horse named Sparkles... lol.

The very first exercise that we did actually had nothing to do with the horses. It was more of a continuation of the sharing that we had been doing earlier in the day. We each took an empty bucket and a shovel.... filled it up with horse manure.... and then carried it back into the arena. They then asked us to label our buckets. What do we carry around with us every day... what is the crap in your bucket right now... what is weighing us down? We each had very similar descriptions on our buckets... and me personally, hearing some of the other women describe the crap they are carrying around made me realize that I identified with that, too, and didn't even realize I was harboring that anger and resentment.

After we labeled our buckets of crap.... we were then asked to take a harness and put it properly on the horse and lead them around the arena through the obstacle course..... all while carrying our buckets! Because let's be honest... how often do you ever put your "crap" down and truly enjoy what you're doing? The literal pictures they were drawing for us were so powerful to walk through. Me and my buddy, Cara, got our horse Sparkles all hooked up pretty quickly.... and then I sort of panicked..... because I had never tried to lead a horse on my own before. After a few failed attempts at getting the horse to move forcibly.... I was like ya know what.... you just have to be like a Mom and show him where he needs to go. It didn't always work out, there were a few times that Sparkles was NOT having the whole follow the leader thing, but I'm like a one trick pony and kept at the whole "Mom" routine.

Along our little stroll around the arena and then around the fenced in grassy area, Sparkles stopped a couple of times and was just trying to love on us. He was an affectionate guy.... and I took the time to stop and rub his face or his neck... and then when he was ready to move we would move. Before our little stroll was over.... I had an aha moment. I would describe myself as a person who doesn't need a lot of physical affection (it's not really my love language).... but I was willing to be affectionate with a horse even when he was standing there and being stubborn. I knew that I could not say that I did the same for my husband... who IS a really super affectionate guy in our marriage and is quite often stubborn. When I'm frustrated, I just shut down and don't want to be touched at all. But we'll get to that in a minute....

And coincidentally, as Cara and I were chatting during our walk, I mentioned that Sparkles was my husband's nickname while he was deployed. Long story short, I sent him sparklers, he took a picture with a goofy grin holding up sparklers to send to us, and his buddies dubbed him Sparkles after that. They even renamed the Humvee he was injured in after they had it all repaired... and sent us a picture with "SPARKLES" in big black military font across the back. Hilarious. So for me, calling my horse Sparkles was just so very appropriate... and really helped to drive home the real message behind the silliness.

Another little tidbit that shouldn't be left out is that each of us kept asking if we could help each other carry our buckets of crap to make things go easier.... and their reply was specifically "You must keep your bucket with you at all times." So we all carried our very heavy buckets of crap around with us during the whole walk. Once we were done... they elaborated a little for us... "We never told you you couldn't dump your crap." O. M. G. I got it. Everyone carries a bucket around for their whole life. Some people carry a whole LIFE worth of crap in their bucket... and others seemingly prance through life with nothing weighing them down. It's because they dumped their buckets, friends. Seems so painfully simple.... but sometimes you have to empty your bucket again and again and again and again.... and that's okay!

Our next exercise was to learn about our "hula hoops." They passed out hula hoops to all of the wives.... and explained to us that these hula hoops represented our realm of control, essentially. Everything inside the hula hoop is all that we can control. My new friend I met on the trip, Nicole, explained it beautifully in her blog "The PTSD Diary"

"Seven hula hoops were placed in the arena and we were each asked to step in a hula hoop. We were told, “You can only control things that are inside your hula hoop. You can’t control other people’s hula hoops. You can link with another hula hoop, but you shouldn’t become another hula hoop.” It was like a light bulb had gone off. We all started discussing things in “hula hoop” lingo… when ever someone started to discuss something out of their control, it was ask, “Well is that in your hula hoop?” It was a life lesson that we are all continuing to apply to our lives after the retreat."

After our day was complete and we headed back to the hotel.... I actually felt pretty overwhelmed. I had uncovered a lot of things I didn't even know were there. I thought our therapy was going to be more about helping our husbands or how to cope with their stuff, but really it has nothing to do with them anyway. I treat him like a child.... I am the one that doesn't let go of past faults.... I am the one harboring resentment for stupid stuff.... I subconsciously withhold affection as a "punishment" when I'm upset with him.... I was the one pulling away from him because I felt like he was isolating himself from the world.... I am the one keeping account for all of the ways in which he let me down again by forgetting something or misplacing something and reminded him of it every time it happened again.

MAN. I sound like an AWESOME wife. But it's all true. And it's all stuff that I had NEVER realized before. When I say that I really felt like his PTSD and his lack of acknowledging it was the only problem in our life.... I seriously meant it. Bbooooooy was I wrong. Not only was I a huge catalyst in me getting to the point that I was ready to just get away from everything.... I also played a huge part in Brandon's depression as well. Who WOULDN'T be depressed with a wife acting like that? I do recognize that it's not 100% my fault.... but I sure helped to make it worse than it really had to be.

After dinner that night, I decided that I really just needed to be alone. What I had uncovered personally that day was just a lot of stuff for me to process so quickly. I didn't even talk to Brandon on the phone that night.... I don't think I was even at a point where I could verbalize anything that I took away that first day.

That is how amazing this program is. It has been over 4 years and 2 months since Brandon's injury. We have lots of mountain top moments.... with many valleys in between. We have both been saying how tired we are growing of being on this rollercoaster.... always coming back to the same angry, resentful, isolated place.... but neither one of us knew what to do differently. The work that At Ease and Quantum Leap Farms and Operation Homefront have teamed up to accomplish has brought about the biggest change in our lives since his injury. They didn't throw a list of "coping skills" at us and wish us luck... I felt a shift in my thinking... and left with a changed perspective that has changed my family for the better.

What happened on Day 2 of horses and campfire chats? ..... see PART 2

20. don't blame

2011-01-19T18:25:00.000-08:00

I actually thought this particular one would be a hard one to check off... so I'm relieved that I've found a way to get through this little lesson.

This weekend I went to a Wives of Warriors retreat in Florida. I want to talk about it more in detail later... because I learned so many lessons and had so many AHA moments that I just have to share them all... and that's going to take me some time.

Every time the hubby and I have had issues over the last 4 years 3 months and 2 days.... I have always felt like I could chalk it up to PTSD. I could always reason in my head that he's the one that lost his cool, so it's just because he's refusing to get help that we're still like this over four years later. But let's be real here... I'm good at "acting" like I'm calm because it makes me seem like the more powerful one... and then I subconsciously have been passive aggressive towards him for days or weeks later after a spat.

However, through some very cool exercises I worked through with a horse we named Sparkles.... I realized that I've never been asked to carry the majority of the load that I'm so resentful for carrying. Someone can't seem like an immature child unless you treat them like one... and that's exactly what I've been doing.

So. No more blaming my frustrations on his PTSD. Sometimes it's my fault, too.

66. sort inboxes

2011-01-10T18:48:00.000-08:00

Who said I can't do two in one day? There is not a rule book on how to complete your list!

I have very nearly emptied out my inbox... and the junk box is totally clear. The only emails that remain in my inbox are my travel information for this weekend.... my travel information for my birthday weekend... and an email from a friend detailing how I can rent a car for cheap for that birthday weekend trip. So after those trips are over... it will be totally empty!

Aaahhhhhhhh. Getting organized and clearing things out just makes me feel awesome.

That'll do :)

42. Keep healthy

2011-01-10T18:37:00.000-08:00

I've been on a weight loss journey for uhhmm... the better part of my life, now. Even when my weight was ideal.. I was still obsessed.

It's so silly being wrapped up in a stupid thing like weight. And I definitely don't need the wrinkles, ok... I'm pushing thirty!

So I'm going to be even more crazy and choose to be wrapped up in being healthy from here on out.

And what better way to start things off than by making that totally uncomfortable trip to the doctor for blood work, a full examination, and an honest conversation about where you're at, and what might be holding you back. That's not till the end of January.... but hey... I haven't been for just a health check up in years and it's about time.

In the mean time, I've been doing a little reading up on some fascinating truths about sugar and carbohydrates.... from many different sources.... and I am feeling very enlightened. I also had some conversations with my cousin about allergens.... because I'm allergic to like, I dunno... everything.... and I found out that she is allergic to wheat and what it does to her..... and after paying attention to my body after eating wheat, discovered that I have a very similar reaction.

Anyway... these are all great things to discuss with the doctor when I go in two weeks from now. I'm just over the whole yo-yo. The diet industry is just a money hungry machine... and I'm sick and tired of feeding the monster.

New year.... same resolutions :)

2011-01-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

I think New Years resolutions are just silly.

So I'm simply picking up right where I left off....... at the list.

I've been so wrapped up in my whirlwind of a life.... I completely forgot about my 102 things list!

(you can click the picture to see it full size...)

~~1. Set goals~~ ( 7/11/10 - Done )

~~2. Make contact~~ ( 8/16/10 - Done )

3. Ask questions

4. Volunteer time

~~5. Own up~~ (8/19/10 - Done )

6. Constrain yourself

~~7. Step back~~ ( 7/8/10 - Done )

~~8. Embrace change~~ ( 7/25/11 - Done )

~~9. Challenge yourself~~ ( 1/30/11 - In Progress - DONE )

10. Speak up

11. Create moments

~~12. Take pictures~~ ( 2/3/11 - Done )

13. Delegate responsibility

14. Stand out

~~15. Look up~~ ( 9/2/10 - Done )

16. Be patient

~~17. Carpe diem~~ ( 8/9/10 - Done )

~~18. Change focus~~ ( 6/23/10 - Done )

19. Have purpose

~~20. Don’t blame~~ ( 1/19/11 - Done )

21. Make promises

~~22. Practice discretion~~ ( 7/21/11 - Done )

23. Be sincere

24. Live urgently

~~25. Reread books~~ ( 9/3/10 - Done )

26. Life mission

~~27. Say no~~ ( 1/26/11 - Done )

28. Be romantic

29. Start anew

~~30. Attend church~~ ( 5/30/10 - Done )

31. Why not?

~~32. Act now~~ ( 5/26/10 - Done )

~~33. Plan parties~~ ( 2/12/11 - Done )

34. Show affection

35. Know happiness

36. Write something

37. Share laughter

38. Finish strong

39. Be approachable

~~40.~~ ~~Eliminate nonessentials~~ ( 6/28/10 - Done )

41. Don’t slouch

~~42. Keep healthy~~ - ( 1/10/11 - Done )

43. Act naturally

~~44.~~ ~~Read books~~ ( 5/13/10 - Done )

45. Breed confidence

46. Be humble

~~47. Slow down~~ (8/13/10 - Done )

48. Be persistent

49. Treat yourself

50. Create precedents

51. Wake early

52. Update resume

53. Simplify things

54. Rearrange furniture

55. Breathe deep

56. Be honest

57. Plan vacations

~~58. Say thanks~~ ( 8/19/10 - Done )

59. Set examples

60. Ask why

~~61. Know yourself~~ ( 9/4/10 - Done )

62. No regrets

~~63. Deserve happiness~~ ( 3/26/11 - Done)

64. Write letters

65. Be charitable

~~66. Sort inboxes~~ ( 1/10/11 - Done )

67. Produce quality

68. Be curious

69. Be interesting

70. Work out

71. Call home

72. Be proactive

~~73. Give credit~~ ( 8/16/10 - Done )

74. Learn efficiently

75. Flirt more

76. Assure yourself

77. Be assertive

78. Make associations

79. Don’t quit

80. Surf smart

81. Work hard

82. Don’t apologize

83. Embrace happiness

~~84. Keep calm~~ (6/29/10 - Done )

~~85. Plan ahead~~ ( 5/14/10 - Done )

86. Don’t worry

87. Practice meditation

88. Think positive

89. Call someone

90. Take initiative

91. Experience nature

92. Look forward

93. Actively listen

94. Interpret dreams

95. Be brave

96. Rock out

97. Educate yourself

98. Do less

99. Find time

100. Make opportunities

101. Mentor someone

102. Be decisive

Blessings

2010-12-22T13:30:00.000-08:00

God continues to show us how being committed to the path that we feel He is leading us on can bring forth so many blessings in our life. We have had several chats about one of us maybe picking up a part time job or finding another way to make a little extra so we have a little more breathing room at the end of the month... but every time we have this conversation, we receive some kind of completely random monetary windfall. Extra money from the VA.... an anonymous donation.... tons of ornament orders all at once... a secret santa gift.... you name it, it's happened just like that.

Apparently, Brandon being fully committed to school and me being a full time mom is very important to somebody with some major connections. :)

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 4:19

Psssssst.... I have a secret

2010-12-15T06:45:00.000-08:00

I have slashed some prices in my etsy shop. Must make room in my office for making Easter creations in the spring :) Check them out!

The Ornament Patch

Holiday stress? Not at all :)

2010-12-08T18:21:00.000-08:00

Over the course of the next three weeks....

... there will be 3 choir performances for my little lady....

... my fingers will be busy finishing custom ornament orders....

... the kitchen will be a mess from all of the holiday baking....

... everyone will take their finals and be out for Christmas....

... Brandon will go home and visit our Vegas family for a few days....

... Santa will be stopping at our first home in Texas for the very first time (Mamaw & Papaw's house just doesn't count the same.... but we love ya'll!!)

... my house will be full of 30 people on Christmas Day....

... and we will go visit my mom's family in Pecan Island.

Each and every one of these things brings joy... and most are conscious choices we made in order to bring more love into our lives this season. I refuse to feel overwhelmed and stressed. Our lives are incredibly blessed... and I will live every waking moment proclaiming God's blessings in our every day lives!

post it note tuesdaaaayyy

2010-12-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

Focus, woman... Focus!

2010-11-18T18:56:00.000-08:00

Truth be told.... I'm feeling rather scatter brained lately!

I have my hands in soo many little projects around the house... I wish I could have the patience to just deal with one at a time before I open another can of worms.

It's definitely not that I'm not focused.... I just like to start everything immediately!

I have got ornament stuff all over the office right now. In preparation for that craft show last week, my fabric/accessories drawer was so ridiculous I couldn't find anything. So it's just kind of splayed out all over the floor and couch right now. We're also in the process of hooking up a new printer.

I'm also in the process of changing out my summer/winter wardrobes... I just keep them folded away in a little clear bin on the top shelf of the closet. But it takes me a while. The summer clothes are neatly stacked in a mountain like shape on my closet floor.

I'm also desperately wanting to start decorating my house for Christmas. I've already put out a few things.... but I haven't gotten out the two bins full of stuff that are waiting for me out in the garage. Truth be told, I still have some Halloween stuff sitting on Brandon's work bench outside waiting to be put away.

I'm also constantly in the state of re-arranging my house. Crystal loaned me a few sconces that look FABULOUS in my dining room (just wait... I'll take pics...) We inherited a few book cases from Brandon's aunt.... and we're working on filling them up with stuff gradually. I found some red tin stars on clearance to hang up in the playroom/sunroom... we've kinda got a patriotic theme going on in there... it's super cute. But it would look way better if I would finally paint over all of those holes that I patched a few months ago. Yeah. I haven't done it yet.

On top of all that... I committed to a women's bible study. The women are fabulous... and the study is soo totally just what I need right now at this place in my life. But when I'm all over the place with these projects... I have a hard time turning my brain off to concentrate on a serious topic like this one. Which, quite frankly, is most of what my problem is. Geez, Meg.... get with the program!

One thing I have been able to decide to wait on (at least until after Christmas...) is painting the office. It will be the moss green color that's also downstairs in the kitchen. I think it will look fantastic. And much better than cream. I'm sick of cream.

Aaahhh anyway.

Tomorrow is Cameron's last day of school before Thanksgiving. That's right folks.... Denton County ISD gave everyone a whole week off of school. So for the next 10 days.... my children will be coached on how to retrieve their pop tarts or powdered donuts from the kitchen table and turn on cartoons so that Mommy can sleep in. We'll see how that works out. Most likely I'll be moving my sleeping in down to the couch. But still. I'm incredibly excited for pajama days for days on end!

It's the little things, folks. :)

Post it Note Tuesday .... "Shameless"

2010-11-16T06:18:00.000-08:00

My life : Set to the tune of Flight of the Bumble Bee.

2010-11-14T18:56:00.000-08:00

Seriously sometimes it really feels like it is.

Let's see... I blogged last on Wednesday in the weeee hours of the morning.

Wednesday was spent making about 5 or 6 ornaments that were extra detailed so they took forever to finish. I did a little house sprucing that day, too. Vacuumed and mopped the whole downstairs. I got some custom order forms printed and cut... I got all of my gift boxes tagged and ready to go... and I started to get some of my show supplies organized in the office.

Thursday was spent making just one ornament and photographing all of my new ornament designs and spending the whooole day prepping for my private holiday showcase at a lady's house in Dallas. It was a tad frantic because my mom was running late and I was losing my mind towards the end there and was super nervous... but all that prep work for a whopping total of 3 ornament sales. Ehh. You win some... you lose some. I had fun with Diana, Kat and DD though! And the glass blower guy in the room with me was a hoot. We had fun. And he was filling me in on all kinds of little details about having your own business. Cool stuff!

Friday... I spent my day editing and uploading and listing my new ornaments on my facebook page and my etsy shop... and then tidied my house a bit since my in laws were coming... and then I met up with my mom and she came with me to my second night of the holiday showcase in Dallas. I did a lot better that night... lots more interest and a few more sales than the previous night. Had a few custom orders, too! Mom and I stopped off at BDubs and had a late night dinner ... and a cold front had moved through while we were in the show and magically my cute little tunic and my strappy shoes were no longer weather appropriate. I was freezing... with no jacket. Ahh well! We still had fun!

Saturday... My mom in law got up early with the kiddos... I finally got up around 8 and went downstairs to make Brandon's special birthday breakfast in bed.... and then spent the day just kinda chilling around the house and getting organized after my late night at the holiday show. Mamaw got Preston a new bedroom set... it's Marvel heroes.... and yes he's the happiest little man in the world. His room is going to be quickly decorated around that little theme. Just wait for pictures. It's going to be AWESOME. Anyway... then we had a family dinner outing at Babe's in Carrollton... and had a fabulous time of course.

Sunday... we forgot to turn the heat on that night (it was still on AC... yes we've been switching back and forth... it's been humid) ANYWAY! We all woke up feeling awful because it was so cold all night and no one really woke up to fix it! lol So the first half of the day we just snuggled and bundled up and drank coffee and cocoa until we felt a little better. After P Man went down for a nap... Miss Marie accompanied me to the grocery store... which was an insane idea on a Sunday... but I needed stuff to make Brandon's cake anyway. Well... "cake"... he prefers the rice crispy variety cake :) As soon as we got home and unloaded the car... we all piled into Brandon's truck and went out to Nonnie's house and picked up a couple of book shelves she was getting rid of. So now we're the proud new owners of two 6 ft wooden bookshelves. Not sure where to put them yet. But they're here! Then we fed the babies... I made a rice crispy tower... and we lit 27 individual candles and sang happy birthday to Daddy.

Tomorrow.... I already know I'm taking some light box photos of the custom ornaments I finished tonight... and then taking a total of 3 boxes to the post office to be shipped out. Other than that.... I'm going to try to do as little as humanly possible, quite frankly. Well... other than laundry... that mountain is just ridiculous.... that can't be put off any longer. But other than laundry... as little as humanly possible!

My heart.

2010-11-10T02:29:00.000-08:00

You know those nights where your kids just seem to fuss for absolutely no reason?

You know those nights where no matter what you do you can't go to sleep?

Do you ever think that on the nights your kids are fussing for absolutely no reason that there might just be absolutely nothing they can do to get back to sleep?

Just a thought. :)

Preston woke me up about an hour ago.... something about wanting to wear his superman cape in the middle of the night. Of course he is now sound asleep... but now Mommy is wiiiiide awake!

While I was laying there tossing and turning trying to find my spot... I kept thinking about the little anecdote about the man who in the midst of a flood turned down help from a neighbor, a firefighter rescue boat, and a coast guard helicopter saying that he would stay in his home because God would save him. Of course, he drowned... and once up in heaven, he asked God why He didn't come to save him? And God replied, "Well I sent a neighbor, a boat and a helicopter!"

It's a silly little story. Tonight I couldn't help but think about how that so related to our lives and the path that we've been on for the last four years. God has always sent the right person with the right message for us at the exact time that we needed it. (I almost said he didn't send a helicopter.... but I guess technically if you think about it he did... hah! Not really funny.... but it's 4am, come on now) I would go so far as to say that He has made some of the biggest changes in our life by bringing different people into our lives for a season. Each of them has brought something to our lives so completely different that we could not have made it through without; complete non-judgemental understanding, harsh truths, unconditional love, lovingly direct personal challenges, loyal support, a home that felt like home to us, arms to hold us up when we couldn't stand on our own.... I could go on and on. Each friend has brought something so important to my walk that I know I would not have made it to this point without every one of them.

Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Galatians 6:2

Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ.

When you feel God tugging on your heart to reach out to a certain person, it's for a reason. Over the last year, I have felt Him pushing me to reach out to people that wouldn't have reached out to on my own. This year for us has definitely been one of personal internal transformations... and I have prayed often to be open to all that God had in store for us and to fulfill every duty that he had put us in charge with. I found myself reaching out to people I felt like I didn't want to choose to have a relationship with... and to people I hadn't seen since I was a small child... and to acquaintances that I felt like I didn't have anything in common with.... and each and every one of those small steps on my part brought healing and happiness and security to me personally and to my family as a whole.

But what would have happened if I had stood firm about keeping things as they were? What place would my family and I be in? How much more might we be struggling emotionally if we had not embraced the people that God was calling us to embrace over the last year? So now when I feel myself holding onto a place that I feel like God is calling me to move on from... I ask myself, "Where is He trying to lead you that you are refusing to go? How do you know it would be such a horrible thing if you left that place you don't want to budge from? Who is He trying to bring into your life that you are holding back from?"

A very good friend of ours shared a quote with us during our time of uncertainty last summer...

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”

Joseph Campbell

He probably didn't think it was significant at the time. That little message gave us hope at a time when we felt like our life was completely falling apart. What we had planned and the life that we dreamed of was not ever going to happen like we wanted it to... and it was a hard pill to swallow. But so many things have come our way, so many incredible people have come into our life that would not have been able to if we had things our way. So that keeps me in the mindset of constantly asking myself, "What task is He giving me that I am refusing to acknowledge?" because I know the amazing things that can happen when you let Him have control of your life.

Letting go and stepping out for something God has called you for absolutely makes you feel exposed. To put yourself out there is terrifying at first. You have to be completely honest and open with yourself and with God and with those in your life. For me, having that total transparency has been so incredibly freeing. Opening up those doors, making those difficult phone calls and having those tense first meetings with others God has placed on my heart and in my path for a purpose has given me a sense of calm and peace that I have not known at any other time in my life.

Psalms 143:10

Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.

Maybe just a little bit of sharing my heart will help me to go back to sleep for a few hours before the babies all wake up. Thanks for listening, friends :) I love you all!

How do you make a girl cry?

2010-11-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

You send her a cute pink note with a very simple message.

*tear* miss you too.

Just a sappy Sunday...

2010-11-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

It's crazy how talking about all of the amazing people that God has placed along our path and how much we love each and every one of them just makes me want to drive thousands and thousands of miles and give each and every one of them a GIANT hug!

I love you all, my fabulous, loving, understanding, forgiving and wonderful friends. :)

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-03T19:21:00.000-07:00

(This is my right index finger. It is the one I usually push the pins in with, obviously. Surprisingly it doesn't hurt. Don't worry, I have a cool purple plastic thimble now. Unfortunately, I will have a manly looking finger tip for a few weeks perhaps.)

One word....

2010-10-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. So here we go.

7am - School

8am - Fussy

9am - Cleaning

10am - Leaving

11am - Feeding

12n - Shopping

1pm - Feathers

2pm - Fabric

3pm - School

4pm - Ornaments

5pm - Poop. Everywhere.

Ahhh.

Motherhood.

Post It Note Tuesday with That One Mom

2010-10-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

This week.... in projects

2010-10-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

I unwrapped a box that literally was packed by TMO when we moved from Lewisville to Vegas. Not joking. We've just stored it under our bed for years now.

So I unpacked the box that all these years I thought only contained my bridal portrait.... and discovered there were TWO frames in there! So I hung them up. (you won't see number two of the ginormous frames because we'll be changing that photo out shortly. It's just a cool looking elephant... back from the days when Brandon and I first got married and had a jungle theme. No I'm not kidding. We had a leopard rug in our living room.)

I also made a glittery mess of our futon in the office.....

.....making these for my booth displays. It just didn't look sparkly enough last time.

(BTW... Crystal... now would be a good time to ask you if you might consider painting the text part of the fabulous signs you made for me in silver paint onto a white square cloth. We'll talk more later!! <3 )

I also decided that I would not be wasteful! This is a TON of packing paper! And guess who has packages to ship this holiday season? That would be me! And I won't have to buy any more packing supplies. Wooo. Saving money and saving the earth all at the same time. Now I'm off to cut it into more manageable squares to store away!

I also finished phase 1 and phase 2 of my jewelry fabulousification process (a.k.a. the necklaces and bracelets)

I went ahead and just got more hooks to hang my bracelets on... because quite frankly those storage tubes I posted a link to in my last blog are for people that wear bangles. I do have a few.... but they're mostly pretty dangly and dainty. So this worked better.

The earrings are all paired up.... lone earrings were discarded.... and they are all ready to be attached to phase 3 of the jewelry fabulousification process. Expect to see that possibly by Monday. I have all of the hardware, supplies, and spray paint needed. And you know I have tons of decorative doo-dads.... do you even KNOW how much ribbon I have on hand? It's kind of awe inspiring, actually.

Now. I must go get ready for my girls night out dinner with my fabulous friend. Have a most wonderful weekend everyone!!!

I told you it wouldn't take long....

2010-10-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

This is going to look fabulous.

Bracelet display

Earring display

Earring display #2

Command hooks are a girls best friend.....

2010-10-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

Why?

Because I can't afford diamonds, that's why!

While perusing the chachkie aisle at CVS waiting for my little man's prescription to be filled.... I came across some mini-command hooks. "Wow... these little things are super adorable. What in the world could I do with something as tiny and cute as this?" I asked myself.

I waited till all the kiddies were in bed... and I actually folded the 9 loads of clean laundry that were gracing the floor in my bedroom (responsibility first, mommies!) ...
and then I let my faux diamonds have it.

Before:

Brandon gave me this little jewelry box back when we first got married and I only had like 4 necklaces that I was cramming into a little porcelain keepsake box along with my other very cheap jewelry..... and it was great back in the day! But lately... it's been a bit on the full side. Mostly because I've been totally into the HUGE jewelry trend. Big jewelry makes you look skinnier. Ask anybody. (Probably not... but hey it's at least a little like a magic trick... it brings the focus away from the not sparkly bits, right?) Ignore the shoes. That's a whooole 'nother project.

You can also see that this little cubby hole was once fairly wasted space, overall. I rarely use the bar to hang things... and I even get to the point that I'm too tired of untangling my favorite things that I just leave them out or hang them from the shelf! (See top left)

~~~~~

And the end.

Isn't it FABULOUS? What girl doesn't want to walk into their closet and see all of their favorite things on display?! Cause this is my little happy right now, mkay. I'm even going to turn on my closet light in the mornings so I can decide which lovely dainty thing I'm going to adorn myself with for the day.

Items to do : get more command hooks! You can see that I've neatly lined up the remaining necklaces... and they will go over here on this other side.....

And then of course don't forget about the bracelets! (They're over to the right.... in yet another pile) I haven't quite figured that one out yet.... or the earrings for that matter..... but don't you fret, lovelies. My OCD will figure it out soon enough. Probably at some point in the middle of the night tonight, as a matter of fact. Stay tuned.... :)

And yay for command hooks. You rock 3M.

Thankful Thursday....

2010-10-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

1. hardwood and tile floors all downstairs..... makes it easier to clean up puke

2. a little boy who instantly seems to feel better when you put a superman cape on him

3. a fabulous new doctor who actually HAS same day appointments left even if you don't call in by 7am

4. a husband that, while he did fall at the top of the stairs and land on his new titanium screws, did not fall down the staircase. that would make my day a little more complicated. it all happened while racing to get the little man's lovey monkey to make him feel better. what an awesome daddy.

5. waterproof mattress covers. no elaboration needed.

6. a laundry room that is not attached in any way to an often occupied room in the house. the smell in there is pretty gag worthy.

7. washable markers... so little man can have a tattoo just like his daddy's. (photos to come later...)

8. a little lady who has no problem whatsoever spending the night having quiet time by herself in her room.

9. a husband that doesn't work a 9-5 job at the present time.... that makes it a lot easier to juggle errands and a sick toddler when someone else can be here occasionally during the day.

10. understanding friends and family who i'm fairly certain are sick and tired of us cancelling plans because for some unknown reason our entire family's immune systems have completely gone kaput.

11. clorox wipes and lysol spray in orange scented loveliness.

12. canned soup. because momma ain't cooking dinner tonight.

What goes into the making of an ornament....

2010-10-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

** Quick sidenote..... this is my 200th post! Woohoo! **

So I got this fabric for a special order... and I just had soo much fun making this ornament that I took pictures throughout the process. Just for giggles :)

This is the fabric and ribbons. I sent this photograph after I picked out the fabric and later thought... hmm... it looks just a little gaudy like this.... lol I better make it quick before she thinks I'm nuts!

I actually skipped a few photographs on some of the steps... so this is just a general idea of what goes into making a custom ornament. It took two hours start to finish!

First I sectioned it out evenly... and cut little valleys with an exacto knife.

Using the pattern from the first piece of fabric pinned and cut in place.... I cut out all of the little pieces of fabric to cover each section.

Then you push the edges of the fabric into your little valleys little bits at a time with the backside of your exacto knife....

The first layer is almost done!

Last one!

Hey it kinda looks like an orange this time.....

The first layer is a deep purple chiffon.... and you can see I've started to cover the chiffon with a layer of white tulle.

This is the ball completely covered in chiffon and tulle.... ready for ribbons! I love the little spots where the chiffon bunches and makes a totally unique pattern on each section. It gives it interest and character!

And this is the completed product. I think it's pretty adorable. I hope she likes it, too!

It's Post It Note Tuesday yet again.....

2010-10-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

Ahh Monday... you're back

2010-10-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

I might be the craziest person in the world.... but I loooove Mondays.

Everyone goes back to school... and I can catch up on cleaning the house and getting my little to do list arranged for the week.

Yes, that's right. I like to get my bathrooms cleaned and vacuum and mop my floors and clean all of my windows and mirrors. Because then I get to plan fun stuff the rest of the week!

So... I'm off to get more house wife duties completed..... so that we can make tons of Halloween crafts and go to a pumpkin patch with the kids and I can get to work on my custom ornament orders this week.

Yaaayy me

2010-10-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

My first craft show was quite successful if I do say so myself.....

There wasn't a ton of traffic.... but I ended up having close to $200 in sales. And I sold about 1/3 of the ornaments that I brought with me!

I got some ideas for a show table in the future.... and a REALLY good idea of which ornaments brought in the most attention! Snowflakes and Snowmen really seemed to be popular with everyone... lol

I did get a few custom orders for the breast cancer awareness ornaments....

And I had a pretty good time. The 7 hours went by soooo fast! I started seeing people pack up their stuff and I was like oh man it's so early what are they doing? Haha.

All in all.... I made a little.... I had a good time.... I learned a lot.... got some new ideas... and met some really great contacts. Yay!

You can never go back.

2010-10-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

The title of this post is slightly misleading.

It's not quite as profound as you might suspect.

We've been eating home cooked, made from scratch foods for a while now.... especially since I watched Food, Inc.

Tonight I was tired... and I ordered pizza. A little pizza never hurt anybody, right!

Ugh. The pepperoni and jalapeno pizza from Pizza Hut tasted so incredibly salty, I couldn't even finish a piece. I felt like I was licking a salt lick. Yucko.

The kids didn't even finish their one piece of pizza each, either.

Talk about a waste of money.

Guess we'll still to all natural home cooking.... and on days that I know I'm going to be busy.... looks like I need to bust out the crock pot so these babies can eat some food!

Love.

2010-10-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

My mom helped me make my ornament price tags today.

I got to have brunch with my parents.

I had frozen yogurt with my SIL and my niece and nephew.

I went shoe shopping with the hubby at Payless.

I jumped on the trampoline with the little man and took turns doing flips.

We successfully pushed Preston's bedtime back to 8pm.

Brandon and I sat on the back porch after the kids were in bed and just talked.

We watched our fav show on DVR...

And we both took the night off to relax.

My life is so incredibly full.

I love it.

Post it Note Tuesday again....

2010-10-12T17:01:00.000-07:00

New haaaair!

2010-10-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

It's the little things that make me excited, ya'll..... seriously.

Before..... (me and my little lady Saturday night at Shrek the Musical!)

And afteeerr! I love it!

Oh me, oh my....

2010-10-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

I got my very first blog award! *tear*

Nike over at Small Town Girl tagged me. So sweet! I love her blogging style.... so honest and open and raw emotions just all laid out there. I love a girl that can speak her mind! You should go check her out right now!

Now the rules...

1. Accept the award, post it on your blog, and link back to the person who gave it to you.

2. Pay it forward to 15 bloggers you have recently discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know that they've been chosen.

Heeeere we go!

The term "recently" will be applied pretty loosely. I don't follow tons of blogs... so I kind of struggled in picking 15 "new" blogs I follow :)

1. Uncle Sam's Mistress. Fellow wounded warrior wife ... trudging through the aftermath as it comes. Awesome, strong, dedicated, amazing woman :)

2. Patty at I mean really....REALLY? She's hilarious. I love the fruit salad idea, too... it should be in a military wife handbook somewhere, seriously.

3. Amber at Goodnight Moon. I just love it. Dedicated military wife.... great writer.... but I soo just love her editing... it makes it fun... like a children's book or something. :)

4. Cheryl at Wife of a Wounded Soldier. She's an awesome woman... involved in helping lots of hurting wives and families affected by these wars... including her own. <3

5. Karie at Wife of a Wounded Marine. Hands down the strongest woman I've ever met. I can't wait to see where her journey will go next. Love her <3

6. Angie at Bring The Rain. Amazingly strong woman whose story about carrying on through the tragedy of losing her child has affected so many people. She is an inspiration.

7. Disgruntled Marine Girlfriend. Her blog is just so cute. I love it. Always a fun read.

8. That One Mom at the Only Parent Chronicles. Her story is amazing. You should read it. And totally participate in Post It Note Tuesdays.

9. Krippled Warrior at Some Things I Have Learned. He's one of those guys that you swear you already know. Great stuff all the time :)

10. Flip Flops and Combat Boots. Her blog title is what originally brought me to her page... because I always thought of me and my hubby like that. Another military wife with a totally cute blog.

11. Leslie at Mended Wings. A devoted military mom... caring for her son, wounded in action 861 days ago.

12. The Adventures of Mr. Superman and Mrs. S. Not just another military wife... an AIR FORCE wife! Yes! Go Air Force! Tooooootally adorable blog.

13. Adventures of Laura. She's like part of my family forever. We were inseparable while our hubbies were deployed together... and I miss her like crazy... so I totally blog stalk her to find out what she's doing now :)

14. The Kitchen Dispatch. Always a wide array of topics.... love her writing style and her story.... and her dedication to helping vets back to a healthy way of life without the use of pills!

15. Renee at Waiting To Exhale. She's an awesome lady... military wife.... dealing with her grief of losing her parents all while her husband is halfway around the world. I admire her honesty and willingness to share her heart!

A little more in depth...

2010-10-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

I've had a few questions about what I'm so frustrated about.... and I've talked with everyone I feel like I needed to talk with already... so here we go.

I have felt that lately I have been putting all of my time and energy into creating this perfect little business. It can help with a little extra money for my family... but in the mean time, I'm plopping my toddler in front of cartoons, not taking him out to parks and stuff as much as we used to, I'm getting way behind in my house work, I'm hardly ever making a meal for dinner and we just kinda scavenge for whatever sounds good at the last minute, I haven't helped up at Cam's school at all and I haven't helped Brandon with literally anything to do with writing his book or helping him to set up speaking stuff or anything (which is something I told him I wanted to do)

So. I love making ornaments... and I'm going to do both of these little craft shows I've paid and signed up for.... and I'm going to take custom orders... BUT I'm not going to make this a "work on this so many hours per day" kind of thing. When Preston's asleep or taking a nap, and I don't have anything more important to take care of like my FAMILY.... I'll make a few ornaments. I can make more on the weekends when we're all here all day and we usually don't have a lot going on... but I just feel like I've put my whole life on the back burner trying to be able to make some money for my family... aaand I haven't even broke $100 yet. I know that it will pick up closer to Christmas, but I just want to do this on the side, not as a full time this is my "job" kind of thing. My JOB is being a full time mom... and I'm not going to let my little guy or my 4th grader see less of their mom and do less fun activities because Mommy has something more "important" to do. It's not like that.

Along the same lines, I e-mailed my friend and withdrew from the half marathon. I love to run... I enjoy it.... it's a fabulous little meditation quiet time for me.... but once I get closer to the date, I'll be devoting more and more of my time to being physically prepared for this thing. I don't think that taking time out for yourself is wrong... but it's more the amount of time that would be taken away from my family in preparing for something as big as a half marathon. I'm still going to keep up with challenging myself... but nothing hardcore.

I really feel like my role at this point in my family's life is one of support and encouragement... and if I'm wrapped up in all of these big things that are taking up massive amounts of my focus and energy, there's no one else that's going to fill those shoes for me.

Bloom where you're planted....

2010-10-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

I felt a sense of renewal this morning. I truly believe that being honest with yourself and honest with God is the only way to feel a true calm. I will remember to grow where I'm planted.... not to plan how I'm going to grow in my next garden.

1 Corinthians 7:17-24

Late night....

2010-10-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

Are you ever up hours past your bedtime.... just talking to God because it seemed like a good time.... and you felt Him tell you things you wouldn't have thought of as being a problem? Sometimes, even something we start with the best intentions can be taken beyond what God intended it to be.

That's what I'm feeling right now. I think that I have been operating with blinders on almost. When you find yourself bargaining with God.... it's as if you're the toddler in the other room trying to prolong his bedtime for just one more cup of water... just one more movie... just one string cheese... just one look out the window.... anything to distract you from the task at hand. I have been neglecting my given task for what seemed like something that would help my family.... but I don't think that it is.

I believe I have some adjustments to make.

Welcome to my own personal news ticker.....

2010-10-05T18:06:00.000-07:00

My mind is a MESS!

I have less than 2 weeks until my first craft show - I'm slightly terrified but mostly excited and have a HUGE list of to-do.

I finally started feeling somewhat better today... Preston, too, thank goodness... but not good enough to run out and take care of all of the errands and tax ID stuff that I need to take care of before my show. Maybe tomorrow. Or Thursday morning. Or not at all!

I'm super sensitive because I'm STARVING but eating makes me feel sick still... so I'm all weak and easily agitated and fatigued and just annoyed. Throw monthly hormones into that mix today... aahhh it's fun to be me.

I think the one year retirement/move mark was an emotional one time thing.... but it was partially fueled by the anticipation of Brandon's fourth Alive Day. If you know what that is or have been through one or two, you understand that leading up to that particular anniversary brings up anxiety and emotions and re-living some moments that can be painful...... and once the day has passed it all gets better.

I filled my schedule with so many things to keep us busy the next two weeks to kind of lighten the mood.... and now I feel like we're kind of rushing a bit because we had to push back so much of what we needed to do because we were all sick. BUT - I am going to just take a deep breath... and chill. None of it is life or death. If I don't get all of it or even most of it done... whatever! My ornaments still rock.

Because I'm going to the State Fair on Thursday. And I'm going to totally let go of my stress and my to-do list and just have FUN! And then Saturday night, we're going to see SHREK! How awesome is that! Who cares if I don't have a separate bank account set up. Some people never do that when they sell crafts and things! And then Sunday I'm going on a Foodie Couture field trip to the Super H Mart in Dallas! Followed by a family BBQ where I'm bringing THESE!

Chocolate Orange Cupcakes with Limoncello Frosting

Yeah! Don't you wish YOU were coming. :)

And then next week, Monday thru Friday, I have nothing on my calendar. Why? Because I probably secretly knew in the back of my mind that I would need the entire week to get my stuff done. Sometimes I set myself up like that... you know... because I know how I am. I completely overwhelm myself trying to be Super Mom and keep my house showroom perfect and on a strict cleaning schedule meanwhile I'm starting a little fledgling ornament business and have no clue what I'm doing and sign myself up for a half marathon because I think it would be cool (and I looove me some Jen!) and then because I've pushed myself to the brink...... everyone gets sick. And then we can't do anything. And then I get behind. Because that's what happens when you try to be perfect. Which I'm not. So maybe I should stop trying then.

Anyway.... now that I dumped some of my constant little brain news ticker off on ya'll.... I'm going to go relax and try to eat some crackers.

Post It Note Tuesday with That One Mom

2010-10-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

One year later.

2010-10-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

There are a multitude of things running through my mind this week.

Wednesday marked one year since Brandon's retirement party. October 1st marked one year since Brandon and I packed up the rest of our belongings in the back of our truck and said goodbye to our friends and had breakfast with Emilie and her family and then hit the road. We haven't been back to Vegas since... even though we thought that we would be back within just a few months to see our friends.

Some days I still feel like I'm struggling.... but I have moved forward in a way just to know that there's not a friend that I could find here in Denton that could ever fill my Vegas family's spot. I still think about them all the time... I still wish I could just run over to their house... I wish I could host brunch in my house on Kinley... I wish I could trade babies with Brighton one day a week... I wish I could shuffle down to a friend's house in my pajamas and sit around and drink coffee.

So many emotions were wrapped up in our leaving our friends in Vegas. We also left a lifestyle that we had come to love. Civilian neighborhoods are not like military base neighborhoods. We moved from a tight knit little community to a neighborhood where we live in complete obscurity. It's strange really. We hardly ever see our neighbors outside... and there are some days that I wish I just had a Mommy friend that lived close by so I could have a play date without driving for half an hour.

I know that God led us here for a reason. We have joined a church (which we would make it to if everyone would stop throwing up and running a fever!) but we still haven't intimately connected with the other couple's in our class. There are a few mommas that I would love to trade numbers with.... the only thing holding me back is me, really. I've added a few to my facebook page... so that's a step. But even if the only reason God led us back to North Texas is so that I could finally work through my past and take a huge step forward in that, then it's been all totally worth it.

Even knowing and acknowledging all of that... my heart is heavy. I can't explain it. I miss my girl friends. I miss our life. While Brandon and I are in this transition state of him being a full time student and we're just renting a house and aren't really long-term invested in a community, I know that it's going to be difficult for me to feel truly connected. That's something that I need to work through. I can say that I am absolutely holding back... probably because we both feel that we're not going to stay here. I'm working on it... and I hope that I can make some deeper connections with friends here in the mean time.

So much good has come from this past year..... and I am trying to acknowledge each blessing we have had along the way and see the good things and not focus on the negative and sadness.

Gramaw's birthday

2010-10-01T06:36:00.000-07:00

My Gramaw's birthday was yesterday.

About a month ago, I was just thinking about how I wanted to at least be able to call her for her birthday this year, and I asked my Aunt Sue about it. I was actually kind of relieved it hadn't like just passed and I missed it by accident. I don't even remember the dates we would call everyone on their birthdays from when I was a kiddo. I remember Mom would pass the phone to us, though.

Anyway... Cameron and I put together a little box we sent to her last week. Cam wanted to make sure we put her favorite candy in there.... which is actually chocolate and doesn't ship well without getting gross! So we did her second favorite - peppermints. When we went to the store... we didn't know which kind of peppermint was her fav... so Cameron insisted on getting them all. So we got green and white, red and white, and then the little soft peppermints almost like dinner mints. Just those together filled up like half of the box! Then I put in one of my patriotic ornaments because she has a little table by her front door with my Pawpaw's military photo and some little red white and blue flowers and his flag and everything... so I thought it would look cute right there. And I sent her my favorite ornament out of the fall fabric set, too. Cameron drew her a few very elaborate pictures for her to put up on her fridge, too!

She loved all of it. She said she's going to put the patriotic ornament on the Grandpa mug that's on Pawpaw's little table... and she already hung up Cam's pictures right next to Rene's artwork on her refrigerator. Cameron was just thrilled :) She actually got it faster than we anticipated... but I wanted her to get it before her birthday!

Last night, Cameron, Preston and I called her up... and put her on speaker phone.... and we all sang Happy Birthday to her. Preston took over the phone for a little bit... and he of course can't pronounce Gramaw.... but it was really cute to hear him try. It came out "Damaw" :) It was the first time he wanted to take over the phone while I was talking to her... and I think it just made her whole day.

I'm just happy. My kids were thrilled to be able to do that.... I'm happy for my brother because he got to talk to her for the first time since we were kids.... and we got to be a part of making her day special. It's still a little hurtful because we don't talk to anyone else about it really except for each other and our own little families.... but just because we both feel like this is the right way to go doesn't mean we want to cause anyone else whatever awkwardness they would feel if we brought it up. I'm so thankful to have these amazing and loving people back into our lives and the lives of our kiddos. I feel like us making the conscious effort to let these wounds heal once and for all has truly enriched all of our lives as a whole. God truly does give beauty for ashes.

Thankful Thursday : strength

2010-09-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

I watched this link earlier this morning... and I'm so thankful for strong women who are willing to speak out against abortion. I don't get into the politics of everything - it's not politics... it's a life. Period.

I love this woman and her story. Abortion Survivor

Post It Note Tuesday with That One Mom

2010-09-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

YEAH!

2010-09-27T05:44:00.001-07:00

I love waking up to 50 degree temps.

It's fabulous. And puts me in a fabulous mood. I'm off to drink coffee and snuggle in a hoodie all day :)

Dream meaning....

2010-09-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

Several nights in a row, I've had a dream that I can't breathe. Not like I can't take a breath... but that I'm like having a constant asthma attack that won't get better. Last night was the worst one!

Dreaming that you cannot breathe indicates that you are feeling exhausted.

Mmmmhmmm. Yes I am.

Off to get un-exhausted. :)

2010-09-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

I have felt God answering very specific prayers every day now for a little over a week. It is awe inspiring what He can do with the simplest of circumstances when you just admit where you're weak, and give it to God.

2 Corinthians 12:9
And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.

Philippians 4:19

But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Post It Note Tuesday with That One Mom

2010-09-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

Fall is the best of all

2010-09-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

This ornament collection is made from the fabulous Saltbox Harvest collection by Deb Strain for Moda Fabrics. Here, I used the tree bark brown acorns and leaves print... and paired it with solid Moda marble fabrics. It is trimmed with a brown satin ribbon and gold sheer shimmery ribbon... and the bow and loop are also the gold sheer shimmery ribbon!

This set of ornaments is definitely my favorite that I've made so far. If you'd like to look at some of my other work, or order this ornament or any others for yourself, you can check out my facebook fan page over here on the left column of my blog!

Waiting for the end of summer

2010-09-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

Today was an especially hot September day.

I am a mix of emotions today.

Brandon has had a pretty tough physical day... his wrist was accidentally slammed in the car door right after church.... and then this evening his toes rolled up under his foot, causing him to trip (that happens often with his left foot) and he braced his fall with his wrist. Needless to say he is in a great deal of pain this evening.

He isn't allowed to use his hand for any kind of heavy work for a while... so I'm taking care of the yards for now. Normally I would do it in the morning during the week, but after our downpour last week, our grass looked about a foot high. I had to tackle the work mid-day today and it had to be close to 100 degrees outside... and if you've ever been to our house, you know we have zero shade in most of our yard. I was nauseated, having an asthma attack... and I'm fairly certain I have a sunburn on my face.

That's not the funny part, though.

I mowed the entire front and side yard, and half of the back yard before I remembered Brandon showing me how to use the self-propelling lever. MAN! My arms were KILLING me because I've been hefting this big ol chunky mower around the whole yard! I was relieved because I was just about ready to call it quits and leave half of the yard long and shaggy.... but I sure wish I had remembered that half an hour before!

Yesterday morning, Brandon spoke at a Men's Breakfast at our church. He showed me the scriptures he was going to talk about and had me read over his notes to approve them for him the night before... but he apparently threw more in than he had written down in those notes. Several people stopped me at church today and told me what amazing things Brandon shared about me in the course of his recovery... and how highly he spoke of me. Not like I thought he would say mean things, but you know... It was just really nice to hear it from someone else.

I can't really explain the mix of emotions that I'm going through right now. There's definitely something stirring inside of me... I just can't put my finger on it. Lately I've just had this swirling of ideas running through my mind... and dreams about what our future is going to hold.... and fears that I am so not equipped for any of it. I feel like I just need to ask for prayers ... I need some clarity and peace ... and to be prepared for what's around the corner for us.

Thankful Thursday : The silence

2010-09-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

I don't often work on a project or read a book without having the TV on for background noise. Somehow I rationalize that it's less boring to be at the house if there's constant noise happening. That's soo very not true... but still I have continued with my little tradition.

Today, in the first half of the day, I read a book written by our good friend, Brian Fleming. It was an excellent read... and there have definitely been a few moments in his story that directly fall in line with where Brandon and I have found ourselves along our journey. I'm glad I finally took the time to sit down and read it cover to cover. I urge you to check out his website and get a copy of his book!

The second half of the day, after I put Preston down for a nap, I took some time to just relax in a super hot bath... and then I sat down at the dining room table and started to work on my ornaments. I am really enjoying making these right now... they definitely give me an outlet for my "control" problems... lol... and they're really helping me to slow down and take things one piece at a time.

In my quiet hours sitting at the table.... I could definitely feel God directing my thoughts toward a certain area of my life that I've been frustrated with. And then it hit me.... I'm looking at everything going on through my eyes.... when I should be trying to see things through His. I can sit here and be frustrated about what's not going right... and be angry that a few days ago something happened that bothered me and hold on to it and mad that we keep coming back to this "place".... or I can let it go and choose to view the situation with new eyes every day.

If God held onto every thing that I've done wrong.... and threw it back in my face when I had to repeat a few of my lessons over and over again.... it would be a struggle to not feel "beat down"... so why would I choose to act that way towards my husband?

Just a few hours of silence can completely change your heart.

It's Friday Eve!

2010-09-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

That means I can sleep in in just two days!

It also means that Brandon's segment on TBN with Dave Roever and Brian Fleming will re-air today at 4pm CST on the Praise the Lord show. Check your local listings for TBN :)

And tonight is girls night out for Kat's "bachelorette" party... we are going out to eat in downtown Dallas just to get out together before her hubby comes home for R&R soon.

I can't wait to wear sweaters and boots out for girls night out. It's time for snugglie weather!

Post It Note Tuesday with That One Mom

2010-09-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

Then... the "bad" days

2010-09-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there just are no words.

Sometimes I lose my patience... and I get frustrated with something not being handled after I've given it over to God.

Sometimes... three days in a row the song that's verbalizing exactly what's going on in my head comes on the radio in the car while we're in the car together.... and I want to turn it up extra loud so that the point comes across to more than just me.

Sometimes an otherwise perfect day can be tainted by little looks, a tone of voice, an outburst...

Sometimes I wish I could just sit alone with other wives and trade stories until we're blue in the face just so I can feel sane for a day because I feel so hardened by this whole thing.

Sometimes I would like to not be the one who has to pretend to be unaffected by what's going on.

Sometimes I should have a camera follow us around and videotape exactly what happens so that I can play it back to show how unnecessary and mean some of this is.

Sometimes I lose my cool... and I react... and then somehow I'm supposedly just as guilty in the whole situation for not being able to suppress my emotions when I'm being provoked what sometimes seems like intentionally.

Sometimes... I wish PTSD didn't exist in my world.

61. know yourself

2010-09-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

If I were a month, I would be October
If I were a day of the week, I would be Monday
If I were a time of day, I would be sunrise

image by Bruce Fong's Blog

If I were the weather, I would be a rain storm
If I were a direction, I would be south
If I were a scent, I would be pumpkin spice
If I were a tree, I would be a weeping willow

image by Willows Dancing

If I were a flower, I would be a lily

If I were an animal, I would be a polar bear
(mostly solitary creatures by nature.... and they love sushi!)

If I were a fine bone china, I would be simple white, lined with a touch silver

If I were a car, I would be a yellow VW beetle (cute and spunky)

image by slimmer jimmer

If I was a painting, I would be modern and simplistic
If I were a drink, I would be coffee
If I were a fruit, I would be strawberry

If I were a dessert, I would be crème brûlée

image by Mad Baker

If I were a perfume, I would be soft and summery

If I were a gemstone, I would be a sapphire

If I were a castle, I would let ivy grow up my facade

If I were a musical instrument, I would be an acoustic guitar

If I were a sound, I would be a giggle

Preston and I - March 2009

If I were a song, I would be a ballad
If I were a color, I would be green
If I were an emotion, I would be love

If I were a taste, I would be spicy

If I were a museum, I would be a nature & science museum
If I were a country, I would be America
If I could be anyone, I would be exactly who God intends for me to be

Thanks for the little inspiration exercise A{muse}ing Mommy on a Pink Park Bench

25. Reread books

2010-09-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

A Woman After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George

It's a good one... and it's been probably 3 years since I last read it. I just picked it up off of the shelf the other day and can't seem to put it down. Elizabeth George is one of my favorite Christian writers.... and I love all of her books that I've read so far. This one is just one of the best!

15. look up

2010-09-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

Today is the very first day of September. Fall is on it's way.

This summer has been a turning of a page for me. Some days I feel like I've totally figured out this new path.... and other days I feel like an infant starting at square one again. I think that's to be expected when you finally embrace a new phase in your life.

This past week has brought me to my knees on an almost daily basis. If we have spoken in person recently, you probably know why. (I don't like to put some things in permanent text form, if you know what I mean.) I have found myself having the feeling at least once a day turning everything over to God and just telling Him that I can't handle this anymore... that I can't keep going. I need help. His is the only help that can fix any of this.

What I felt revealed to me today is that I don't focus enough on turning my life over to Him when everything is wonderful and going along peachy keen. I don't pour my heart out to Him when I feel like all is right.... I just give Him thanks for the good that is happening and leave it at that. I feel a tug in my heart that looking up is something that I must do daily.... repeatedly.... not just when I'm in the trenches.

So I'm making a promise to myself to keep looking up... on purpose.... for Him.

A simple question...

2010-09-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

Dear, young college aged girls who once inhabited my current home

After 30 minutes and half a jar of spackle.... only one question comes to mind.

Did you EVER hit the dart board?

These were the fabulous "before" shots....

Post It Note Tuesday with SupahMommy

2010-08-31T07:00:00.000-07:00

Brandon's new hardware

2010-08-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

It doesn't hurt...... yet..... :)

He's doing really well... cracking jokes.... his color looks excellent... and he's eating already and feeling good. He just walked downstairs and stole from the kids' candy pile! Silly man. This was by far the best surgery day recovery he's had ever.

THANK YOU for all of the prayers. We felt them all

Success!

2010-08-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

Brandon's surgery went well! No surprises... the doc's plan was executed without incident! He actually finished a half hour earlier than predicted. Brandon has a few less shattered bone pieces in his hand and wrist.... and the un-healed shattered bone that runs along his hand below his middle finger has been fused.... and he has two new titanium screws that run across the two bones on the outside of his hand. It will make sense later when I upload pics of the x-rays.

He's doing well right now... he's resting with his arm splinted and elevated.... and I'm just watching over him until they release us to go home :) It's going to be quite a challenge to get him up the stairs and in bed without bumping his arm... so I'm hopeful that we can make it all the way home and in bed without causing him any further discomfort!

We were very blessed to have met this hand surgeon... and he is committed to going as far as Brandon wants to go in repairing the damage that's been done to his hand. He doesn't treat Brandon like a case.... he treats him like the man and the hero that he is.

Praise God for an uneventful and successful surgery!